American history class (ver 5)

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

It is said the greatness of our people
can be found in a blue ballpoint pen
that scribbles the six zeros of prosperity,
a young man’s ode to shiny red cars,
or a teen’s homage to video games
that have more then seven weapons at their disposal.

Clearly, the stars and stripes
were there when we built Interstate 10
from Santa Monica to Jacksonville.
Or raised the Sears Tower above
the broad shoulders and leathered hands of America.
Yes, hog butcher we are, slayer of sand and soil,
concrete creeks stream far and wide.

Still, friendless and brave individualist
in cowboy boots and pinstriped suits,
at the end of time, you will rest your weary head
on the summit high or sandy shore,
contemplate of fig trees and olive mounts—
for the ocean is never lonely,
nor the sky ever sealed.

[mfwilkie]

Leo,

Can you re-post your first version?
My review speaks to that ending.

Mags

[Marion Poirier]

Leo, these seem almost like three separate pieces.
That may be your intent but the poem as a whole
comes across as random thoughts. IMO, you
need more connectivity from one stanza to
another, a smoother transition and blending
of thoughts.
Marion

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

The previous ending was...

The ocean is never lonely and the sky never sealed.

[mfwilkie]

Leo, I'm going to skip right to the ending lines;
Marion says pretty much what I was going to say.

I do want you to look at these two endings, though.
When I read your original: the sky is never sealed, I thought, Wow! I like that. Things can be done with that. This poem could spring from there.

The ocean is never lonely and the sky never sealed.

There's nothing exciting in this one, Leo, and it sets limits on the imagination.

the ocean is never without kelp or salmon,
nor the sky without sun or hawk.

Mags

[ramadevi]

HI Leo---this is a powerful poem with a lot to say.

Some potent phrases---like slayer of sand and soil, combined with richly textured and detailed imagery imbue this poem with both depth and potency. I enjoyed your use of personification.

One nit--
Clearly, the star(s) and stripes

Regarding the closing---I love what you have in this current version, but I like the original even better for similar reasons as the sisters before me.... the meaning is more appealing with possibility, even if less specific.