Chance of a Lifetime (Edit)

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

1st Edit

I am so aware this morning
my heart is born anew in my eyes.
As spring awakens, I arise
and walk through the
promenade of purple-pink,
providing a cathedral for my
blissful moments of communion;

I taste the wafer of wonder
and drink the blood of
last night's rain...
a Eucharistic feast for the famine
of my soul.

Come,
dance joyfully;
for winter is nigh,
and soon we will be cloaked
in black.

Original

You have to be aware-so aware
your heart is born anew in your eyes,
to see spring awakening as you arise
this morning and drive through the
promenade of purple-pink,
providing a cathedral for your
blissful moments of communion;

Communion with the Source
that gently steals your breath
and replaces it with grace.

The beauty is there for you
as you taste the wafer of wonder
and drink the blood of
last night's rain...
a eucharistic feast for the famine
of your barren soul.

Come with me and dance joyfully;
for winter is nigh and you will
soon be cloaked with color's absence.

[Marion Poirier]

Very good revision, Jon. No nits, otherwise it
would be stepping on your unique voice that
I sometimes do, unintentionally.

I'm still working on My Father's Place after
a hundred revisions, the reason I deleted it - not because it
was lonely without a comment for a week.

Hope you are well, my friend.
Lovely poem.

Best regards,
Marion

[ramadevi]

Namaste my friend. Too long since I read your voice! I like the revision from you to I. An excellent choice---much better voicing and tone.

Love the closing... cloaked with color's absence.

though i might opt to phrase it cloaked IN color's absence---just a thought.

Tons of Love,
rd

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

I like "in" instead of "with." Thank you ramadevi.

[mfwilkie]

Jon, I'm having trouble arising and walking through a cathedral right away.

What if you started this a bit differently:

This morning I'm aware of something old
become new, a rebirth of spirit rising
from a dew-laced sip of last night's rain


am so aware this morning
my heart is born anew in my eyes.

It's trying so hard to be poetic as written, it's failing.

Just say it and worry about metaphors when you''re done.

Maggie

[sanctus]

An interesting vision here. I definitely like the revision better than the original; nice to see the progression there. I am drawn to the last stanza and feel that it might need a more active voice. Consider something like, "dance with me joyfully" and "winter comes..." Also, perhaps think of a single word to take the place of "color's absence" Nice pacing!

Daniel

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Thanks, Daniel..........I consolidated the ending as you suggested, and it is less awkward.

[antman]

Great edit Jon,
You made this poem sing from the the depths and it is born again
through your masterful strokes.

peace,
anthony

[ramadevi]

Ditto what Antman said.