Welcome to the neighborhood, dulcet,
Here are the play's line's, some of Sigismund's soliloquy from the tower, bulerias is refering to.
I think it will help you to 'hear' them.
¿Qué es la vida? Un frenesí.
¿Qué es la vida? Una ilusión,
una sombra, una ficción,
y el mayor bien es pequeño;
que toda la vida es sueño,
y los sueños, sueños son.
What is life? A frenzy.
What is life? An illusion,
a shadow, a fiction,
and the greater good is small;
that all life is a dream,
and dreams are dreams.
Nortice how each use of the word dream(s) has the same strength/weight/importance/energy(pick one) when heard.
Read your draft, including the title and listen to those words.
When I read a poem I'm critiquing thats makes a reference to something scientific, like a 'ceaseless mind' prying open eyes, I usually check out the science. The science needs to be 'right'.
As a writer you should do that, too. Here's a link to check out.
www.videojug.com/expertanswer/deep-sleep-2/if-we-are-unconscious-when-we-sleep-how-do-we-wake-upWhat is your 'will' trying to accomplish exactly? As a reader,
I should have some clue to you intent. That could come from a title that invited me into to the narrator's line of thinking.
You might consider a different title.
And 'thrall's a great old word, but why not use slave which creates a more powerful image in the reader's mind?
Another thing you'll notice is there are no references to self in the translation. Ask yourself if you need them in yours?
I'm going to explore some ideas and images your draft has given me. All of them will probably have nothing to do with you wanted to say in your poem, just let your muse plant them in your subliminal garden.
Am I in my reality? Or is this a dream of a dream?
or
I tell myself I've lost my will
to wake not knowing if I'm in
or outside of a dream.
So now that I've said all this stuff, what I'd like you to do is take it in in pieces.
Think about your intent for a few days, and how you can make the reader
see what you're thinking with words before you sit down to a revision.
Don't try to be deep or poetic. Just let it come.
Best advice from Ginsberg I ever read: write it out like a paragraph, then go back through it and look for the poem.
I'm impressed with your effort.
Maggie
Some FYI:
Usage Note: Till and until are generally interchangeable in both writing and speech, though as the first word in a sentence until is usually preferred: Until you get that paper written, don't even think about going to the movies. · Till is actually the older word, with until having been formed by the addition to it of the prefix un-, meaning "up to." In the 18th century the spelling 'till became fashionable, as if till were a shortened form of until. Although 'till is now nonstandard, 'til is sometimes used in this way and is considered acceptable, though it is etymologically incorrect.
—Usage noteTill1 and until are both old in the language and are interchangeable as both prepositions and conjunctions: It rained till (or until) nearly midnight. The savannah remained brown and lifeless until (or till) the rains began. Till is not a shortened form of until and is not spelled 'till. 'Til is usually considered a spelling error, though widely used in advertising: Open 'til ten.
