Birthing (ver 3)

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

whether 
	it was blindly abstract 
      or specific as an arrow— 
that bursting star 
	said something to me 
		about permanence. 
Even now I can smell 
			the bloom 
                                of the its flicker,  
        the original 
	      charge and thunder  
that is always new— 
	yet older  
	than molten rock,
        than gaseous gatherings
        or cooled stone.
I know somewhere 
			deep in the reaches, 
like paused breath,  
	or quick fright,  
I cannot forget		 the motion of sound. 
The lack of everything 		to the profusion of all.  
I touch 
	the first grip, 
	whiff
	the original sweat, 
dream the splitting of
	chaos and reason 
				before I could think of either.

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[mfwilkie]

This is got great potential, Leo.

My only ntis are your simile, I don't think it works as written,
and the over use of I's.

Try this on:

I know somewhere
deep in the reaches
of hesitant breathe
the motion of sound
won't let go.


before I could think of either.

before either could be thought of.

Good poetry going on here, Leo.

Mull this one for a bit befiore you revise.

Maggie

[wavemaker9 (Rick D.)]

I like the way this requires me to think between then, now and a forever expanding void. Is "he original sweat" correct?
Rick

[mfwilkie]

whether
it was blindly abstract
or specific as an arrow
that bursting star
said something to me
about permanence.


Even now I can smell
the bloom
of the its flicker,
the original
charge and thunder


that is always new—
yet older
than molten rock,
than gaseous gatherings
or cooled stone.
I know somewhere
deep in the reaches,
like paused breathe,
or quick fright,
I cannot forget the motion of sound.
The lack of everything to the profusion of all.
I touch
the first grip,
whiff
the original sweat,
dream the splitting of
chaos and reason
before I could think of either.

[Marion Poirier]

Leo, very profound - one of your recent best.

Now for the Crit:

Hate the format; find it distracting and takes
away rather than adds to the poem.

I think it is rather abstract even with its
wonderful imagery;
the interpretation will differ with each reader.
I like the creative language.


Now a nit: breathe should be breath.

Very good poetry.

Best,
Marion

[mfwilkie]

Love this opening, Leo.

whether
it was blindly abstract
or specific as an arrow—
that bursting star
said something to me
about permanence.

A space break might be a good idea between shifts in pov in your next draft until you get where you mean to go. The form works for me,
but spacing has to be used to language's advantage.

Your simile again, Leo. Think about it, you can't pause breath.

Maggie

[sanctus]

I really like the irony here! The presentation makes me go back and read the poem again which is good. There is a typo here: "the bloom the its flicker," Consider "baited breath" instead of "paused breath" Some really clever hidden meaning here. I am not sure about "The lack of everything to the profusion of all." but I get the thought anyway. The last sentence flows the best for me! Enjoyed this.

Daniel

[Marion Poirier]

Leo, to my mind and ear, this is the poem.
The rest seems to over-explain rather than
allow the reader to interpret. The format is interesting;
it can be re-worked many ways. There should be distance/pauses
between the lines as you have it now or/and double spacing.


Whether

it was blindly abstract

or specific as an arrow—

that bursting star

said something to me about permanence

Even now I can smell

the bloom

of its flicker.