Project Spring

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Pretty much everybody knows
a dose of Spring in February means
its tease of warmth is fleeting.
It’s still a ways to go before the seeding
of April greeneries and allergies,
discarded clothing and a hint of skin
as white as bone but soon as dark as bark.

Spring, though, makes a fool of winter
when colors pop the gray of naked trees
and fill the limbs with fresher leaves,
so bushels in the boughs can rest on high
against the backdrop of a just-washed sky.

[LynnDoiron]

Whoa . . . somebody stop that white horse and grab that knight off his steed and bring him to me for I am smitten, smitten with this piece of writing! I'd biff the comma after skin and let the line break give the pause. A bushel in the boughs, indeed! You rock, oh knight of blinding armor!

[David Nelson Bradsher]

LOL, Lynn. Thank you, my friend. Consider the comma smited.

[mfwilkie]

D,

Love the easy read.

How about another set of words for 'the grey of'?
They seem to sag the line after 'pop'.

And here, I'm having a syntax nit with 'fill'

Spring, though, makes a fool of winter
when colors pop the gray of naked trees
and fill the limbs with fresher leaves,

then fills their limbs with fresher leaves,

And what about 'a bushel in the boughs'?

You're talking plurals and it's singular.

Can you set off as a seperate thought?

Red

[LynnDoiron]

I find the gray of a bland and perfect counter to pop. And, [not that it counts for much] I like fill the limbs -- and, and, a bushel in the boughs has magic for me, conjurs gathering the lot into a singular bushel, conjurs boughs --- love it.

[mfwilkie]

Read it a few more times, chicky, and I kept going back to Spring
as filling the limbs.

I honestly think its because of the construction of the verse,
particularly, 'the grey of naked trees'.

when colors pop the gray of naked trees

Blame it on these crazy Irish ears that see the whole tree popping.

Here, I still think the singular bushel is out of step with the rest of the poem.

a bushel in the boughs to rest on high
against the backdrop of a just-washed sky.

Mugs

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thanks, ladies. I always like to have women fight over me, or my verse, in this case.

I'm still thinking on this. Two poets I greatly admire disagree about it, so I'm holding off for now.

One thought, Mags and Lynn. How about "veins" for "grey"?

[mfwilkie]

I like veins, D.

You could get rid of naked trees altogether, and be more specific
with the image.

when colors pop from grey that veins the air

Mags

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

This is a lovely harbinger of Spring, David. It reads fluidly and the words themselves indicate a forward movement, indeed presaging the season nigh upon us.

The just-washed sky is as right and fresh as rain.....a perfect ending to your sentiment.

I really found this enchanting.

To me, the colors were popping (as in bursting a balloon) the gray which didn't quite get across what I think you wanted to say.
Could you substitute "transmute" for "pop"? Picking up on the "oooh" of soon and fool.

[mfwilkie]

Chicky, I think that is the original.

Here's the lines with my new, new suggestions prompted by David's veins:
pluralizing greys, and singularizing veins, removing 'and' as well as 'the', and changing 'fresher' to refreshed.

I also thought Spring might be reintroduced with 'her'.

Spring, though, makes a fool of winter
when colors pop from greys that vein the air
to fill her limbs with refreshed leaves—

And here, 'just-washed sky' implies rain; to me, mentioning the idea of rain isn't necessary to the idea of Spring, it's too specific
to the idea of the whole season.

I had a thought about bushel, D, and think mentioning green to oppose the implied-white of winter might be something to consider.

a bushel in the boughs to rest on high
against the backdrop of a just-washed sky.

Something like:

Spring, though, makes a fool of winter
when colors pop from greys that vein the air
to fill her limbs with refreshed leaves—
busheled green(s) in boughs that rest on high
against the backdrop of a welcomed change.

My thinking is the poem is about Spring, in toto.

And should end that way.

Mags

[LynnDoiron]

hmm. would I grab my keyboard and type Whoa! somebody stop that white horse etc. with suggested rewrites . . . maybe, but don't think so. Spring is rain, those off and on wonderful showers, and just-washed sky, ahhh, the perfect end in perfect support of Spring poem, in toto.

When new leaves pop here in Spring -- they flat out "pop"; they don't transmute; sorry, jon.

Veins, while it makes for a lovely line when used as mugs suggests -- takes away [for me] the simple truth of naked trees before spring pops green color and/or bright blossoms. To use greys vein ? makes the work more somber, less light -- one silly old poet's opinion.

[mfwilkie]

I guess I'm reaching for something like Wilbur, in toto, chicky.

Mugs

[MichaelFirewalker]

gosh, I thought I just, you know, really liked it just the way it was----the way David wrote it----but now I don't know what to think----first, my head gets turned around one way----then it's pulled back and turned another way----then a third way----and now, all the sense of refreshingly simple loveliness the poem had seems to have disappeared...

michael

[mfwilkie]

The poem hasn't changed at all, Mick.

The discussion is simply on how its message is perceived in its delivery.

The more we expand the possibilities of language and meaning in our suggestions to explore the depth and complexity, or the lightness and simplicity, of a draft offered for reviews, here on ep, the more a muse has at its disposal when it tackles revision.

It's nothing more than offering different ideas to help a piece to reach its full potential.

In toto, Lynn and I read it differently.

There is this wonderful thing about discussing the construction of a draft, everyone has the opportunity to consider something they might not have consider before.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Just thought I'd way in and throw my two cents around, David. After reading the poem several times and all the suggestions at least once, I saw the logic and the thought behind them, but I really think that the poem gains no strength from the changes. For me the simple language of "colors pop the grey of naked trees" creates a fresh and vivid image that I would hate to lose if this were mine.
I can see "a bushel" becoming {bushels} but no major overhaul here please. The rhyme and rhythm of the closing two lines isjust a fine sound in my ears.
If it were mine and if I did anything with this, it would be to put a stanza break betwee lines 7 & 8, and I don't think that's really necessary. Good stuff, my friend, very good stuff. Ron

[Nan]

Hello David,

Gosh, it has been a while since I read one of your pieces. I apologize that I can't offer much suggestions, for I like the entire poem, especially lines 2 -7. Those lines capture the essence of Spring, with fresh language and an unique approach. It's good to read your work again.

Nan

[sandpiper]

hmmmm......

personally, I like it as stands. the popping the grey works for me, along with the fresh washed sky, where I don't think it would be the same write without these items. especially the freshed washed sky.
For the bushel, I see where Maggie is coming from. You're speaking of Spring, that conjures many many trees, not one. You've also said "trees" and a bushel really isn't that much... although bushel in the boughs is too cool to nix, So, If the one line changed to, say,
"with bushels in the boughs..." that might work.
so, that's my take for what it's worth.
-piper

[MichaelFirewalker]

okay, Mags, I see what you are saying----and I'm not disagreeing with anything----guess there's just a lot of different ways to write this same poem...

mick

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thank you all so much for the time and effort afforded this simple little piece.

Mags, as always, your tireless efforts, as well as Lynn's have really had me back and forth with this one.

Jon, thank you for your suggestion, but transmute sounds a little to technical for what I'm trying to say here. I do, however, see what you're saying.

Michael, thank you, my friend, for the defense, but I love that there are so many things to consider, irregardless of whether or not I use them. That's why we post here amongst these intellectual giants of poetry. I'm grateful for the time. As always, I appreciate your kind words.

Ron, I like the idea of a stanza break, and I will humbly purloin your idea. Thank you.

Nan, what a pleasant surprise to see you here. Welcome back, and please kick off your shoes and stay awhile. Despite your self-deprication, I beg to differ that you've lost it as a poet. Read your poem, and will comment when I can.

Piper, I actually did just change that one part, after all of the agonizing over things. One of those rare pieces that doesn't get changed much. Thank you.

I ended up only changing the "bushel in the boughs" to "bushels". As Maggie, and others, adroitly pointed out, it needed to be plural. Thanks again for all the attention.

David

[mfwilkie]

D,

Consider the idea this draft is defining generalized changes that occur when spring comes.

Introducing the idea of it having just rained in the last line
isn't working for me.

Mags

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thanks, Mags, but I'm with Lynn on this one.

[LynnDoiron]

I see I lost my favorite line; a bushel in the boughs is no more; I must away now and rend my clothes and pour ashes on my poor head . . . arrggghhh, if only perfection of syntax did not wither the magic!!!

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Lynn, do you think it's possible to keep it and not disrupt the syntax? I'd love to retain it.

[LynnDoiron]

Back on your horse, gentle knight!
Away, away, away from me go
for I am rent and sodden with woe.
The Syntax Scourge hath purged sore delight.

Take this bushel of tears shed in sheaves
tied off with veiled trains of pitched griefs,
and stack my profoundly abject nature
with emptied sacks of sorrowful rain.

Then, gentle knight, forgive me
for being such a royal pain . . .