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Post by determinedtofail on May 12, 2010 0:01:15 GMT -5
For Right Now (Revised version plus title change)
Let them come by an overcast sky, into an empty garden on a cold Spring day where the swans poke broken corn from your hands and the food drops like exploding tears.
Between the pond and us, cherry blossoms hang like a curtain an audience steps away from.
And I don't remember records know where the phone cords went or appreciate the clocks marching away
For right now our eyes hold onto that fluttering petal, as a slow coin finding water.
Soon it will sink a gentle knife into dark waters; just like your smile.
Only That (Original version)
If nothing else a smile is a symbol, as all things, a symbol and nothing else.
And let your smiles be not obvious nor come from bright places. Rather let them tear, spill out, and tumble.
Let them come by an overcast sky, into an empty garden on a cold Spring day where the swans poke broken corn from your hands and the food drops like exploding tears.
As the cherry blossoms hang between the pond and us, like broken stitches on curtain. They notice records, phone cords leave the room to marching clocks.
Let the flower break; that one mad petal tumble, as a slow coin finding water.
Soon it will sink like a fish; a gentle knife into dark waters.
----Austin
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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on May 12, 2010 8:03:20 GMT -5
The first two stanzas reveal way too much and remove all mystery from the poem. Drop stanzas one and two and start with...let them come by an overcast sky...great mysterious beginning of a poem. To solve the smile problem just call the poem, "Only that smile." Make those changes and I'm excited about this poem.
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Post by determinedtofail on May 13, 2010 23:42:36 GMT -5
Leo,
Thank you for your comments. I found them helpful and also made some adjustments to strengthen the integrity of the poems core. Let me know what you or the other members think.
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Post by mfwilkie on May 15, 2010 10:13:14 GMT -5
Leo made a good call on where this begins and I like how you're using language here, but it's not quite there yet.
Take a look at your lines one at a time, and come back with what you see and how you hear it.
Maggie
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