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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on May 12, 2010 8:09:55 GMT -5
No matter how many times
our villages shall be strafed and roof’s ablaze,
as pastor and priest and politician
scribble their names of the compact of our surrender—
we shall rise from foxholes and basements,
lift a glowing banner
above the shadow of these exceptional hills
where warrior and peasant alike
sing an old, old song
that will be remembered
from the seedlings sprouts,
until the mighty Redwood
stretches across the cool blue sky.
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Post by Tina (Firefly) on May 12, 2010 14:30:14 GMT -5
This feels incomplete to me, Leo. The ending verse seems somehow a bit too lofty and preachy. Also don't understand the line 'scribble their names of the compact of our surrender'..lost me there, sorry.
I can feel the passion trying to work itself out here, but needs some help. Always glad to see your work.
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Post by mfwilkie on May 12, 2010 14:46:35 GMT -5
You laid down a good foundation, Leo, but I think you need to abandon the hills and the redwoods and get back down in the streets with the emotions in this draft.
The grand poetic voice is a bit removed from the reality of what's going on with the everyday-victim.
Maggie
Some thoughts:
No matter how many times
our villages are strafed, our roofs
set ablaze as pastor, priest and politician
abandon their ethics to maintain false faces/places
in the sham of surrenders—
the voices of oppression, keeping faith with the hope
in old songs, will rise. Will rise. Will rise. Will rise.
Again, and again. And again.
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Post by determinedtofail on May 12, 2010 20:06:52 GMT -5
Leo,
I like the image of the people rising from the basements. I would combine that closer to the old, old songs image. Maybe the two images can meld and somehow rise together through your poetic craft.
Old songs always evoke the image of a community for me. When I think of the Cuban or other revolution movements throughout History, I remember learning without the support of the peasants and community to help aid them through difficult times, the movement would have never succeeded.
I hope this suggestion is somehow helpful and if not maybe it will be helpful in helping you deciding that you don't want the poem to go in this suggested direction.
Cheers,
Shawn
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Post by Marion Poirier on May 16, 2010 18:02:54 GMT -5
Leo, I like the voice in this poem - a bit over-dramatic, I think, but written with passion. I'd use "raked with fire" rather than "strafed" as you are talking about people rising from basements and foxholes not from Beverly Hills, so I'd keep the language more subdued. "Exceptional hills" to me that is an abstract description. How about green hills so the reader gets a "real" image of the hills. "Exceptional" means different things to different people like poetry. In s3 rather than "warrior" perhaps a simpler term. Before I forget, in line three, IMHO, you could eliminate priest and have pastor speak for all Christian religions or else use "priest" alone. Please ignore anything that that does not represent your intent, as though I need to tell you that.  Regards, Marion |
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on May 20, 2010 23:20:35 GMT -5
I agree with Tina, Leo. I appreciate the passion, but it seems to me to be a war cry....I get the metaphor, which is fine.
You don't need the apostrophe in roofs.
Perhaps you meant .."scribble the names of on the compact....."
I feel this poem tries too hard...........just my perception......perhaps trimming in some places............Your move, my friend.
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sanctus
EP 250 Posts Plus
And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.~FN
Posts: 389
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Post by sanctus on Jun 2, 2010 5:07:50 GMT -5
This gave me some pause... I tripped first on "shall be" and wondered at "strafed", listening for the echo of machine guns firing. I like the middle the best and enjoyed the thought most of all. I hear, "No matter how hard you try, you will never defeat us." I'm thinking that the use of "roof's" arose from the intended meaning, "roofs set ablaze" I also wish I knew more about "these exceptional hills." I love hills!
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Post by ramadevi on Jun 15, 2010 7:53:17 GMT -5
Hi lea---I like the ending lines in this and it feels complete, so maybe I come to if after edits? Except I agree with Jon---you do not need that apostrophe
our villages shall be strafed and roof’s ablaze,
our villages shall be strafed and roofs ablaze,
"warrior' didn't bother me, but I do think soldier would be a more apt choice, also because of consonance.
where soldier and peasant alike
sing an old, old song
Fin work but not yet polished I think.
Warmly, rd
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