Goodbye (final version)

[Marion Poirier]

Goodbye

The whistle blows.
I wait under a black umbrella.
He wipes a portal on the window,
presses palm against glass.

The train moves forward;
his leaving fades.

Marion Alice Poirier
June 1, 2010
----------------------------------------
Endings (revision 2)


The whistle blows.
I wait under a black umbrella.
He finds a seat and wipes
a portal on the fogged window,
pressing a palm against glass.

The train moves down the track
until he disappears in smoke.

Marion Alice Poirier
May 26, 2010

__________________________________-
revision 1

Endings

He boards the train
while i wait under a black umbrella.

The whistle blows, 'It's Time.'

He wipes the fogged window
and presses his palm
against glass.

'Chug chug' repeats along
the track until smoke fades.

He disappears in rain.


Marion Alice Poirier
May 24, 2010

-------------------------------

Original

Endings

I wait under a black umbrella
while he boards the train.

The whistle blows, 'It's Time.'

He wipes a niche
on the fogged window
and presses palm against glass.

'Chug chug' repeats along
the track until smoke fades.

He disappears in rain.


Marion Alice Poirier
May 22, 2010

[mfwilkie]

I like this a lot , M.

Great imagery, energy and tone.

A couple of things hit me, but I want to roll them around in my ear
before I say anything.

Maggie

[wavemaker9 (Rick D.)]

niche?... portal?

[Marion Poirier]

Rick, thanks for calling this to my attention.
You are right;
niche is not the correct word.
I will revise.

Regards,
Marion

[Marion Poirier]

Thank you, Maggie for the read
and response, always appreciated.

I'm glad you like the poem; revisions
are never done; I am looking
forward to any additional comments.

Thanks again.

Regards,
Marion

[mfwilkie]

First of all, the umbrella tells us it's raining, so there isn't a need in something this spare to restate the rain.

I suggest switching the opening lines to heighten the tension of the image and correct the flow of images in those lines. It gets rid of that awkward 'while', too, M.

The 'whistle' line, too, can go, the images are strong, and the gems should shine without the extra baggage.

You can eliminate the smoke and him disappearing by calling it what it is: a leaving.

I think you need to account for him getting to the window: so I mention the seat.

I moved all his actions to one line to give them momentum and have them support the N's voice.



I wait under a black umbrella
while he boards the train,

finds his seat, creates a portal
for his hand against the window.

Chug-chug repeats along the track
until his leaving fades.

You could even use disappears for fades.

Don't try to be poetic with this, M.


Maggie

[Marion Poirier]

Wow, Maggie, you turned a short poem into
even a sparser version. I understand your
reasoning and perspective; I like this version,
however, not fond of the two "his" pronouns
in S2. I am thinking of getting rid of a
line or a line and a half and turning this
into a tanka. I'm going to work on it
some more; then, please let me
know what you think.

Thanks very much for giving your time and
thought to this poem, Maggie. Appreciate it.
I value your comments/suggestions.

Regards,
M

[mfwilkie]

M,
Don't tie this up in a form. I love the Tanka, love the Mondo more,
but you need to go back to where you started and visualize the actions of the man.

Start with the umbrella.

Spare is what your poem needs. It's very much like writing ku, M.

You use only what you need.

Visualize, M, visualize, and listen to how the words feed the images.

Maggie

[Marion Poirier]

Thanks Maggie,
for coming back to this one.
I'm going to let it rest for a while.

Thanks for the suggestions and help,
appreciate your time.

best,
M

[mfwilkie]

I like this.

Take out the 'and", M. A reader may or may not not add the 'and' as he/she reads, but the line/image doesn't need it.




The whistle blows.
I wait under a black umbrella.
He wipes a portal on the window,
presses palm against glass.

The train moves on;
his leaving fades.

Thought you'd enjoy the examples mentioned in this review.

Maggie




haibuntoday.com/ht42/Review_Bullock_PoemTales.html

[Marion Poirier]

Thanks again, Maggie,
good suggestion. i'll take it.
Thanks you for the link.
Enjoyed!

Regards,
M

[sanctus]

Interesting array of alterations ...I focus on the train, moving and goodbye. Truth is, I'd wipe a swath across a foggy train window any time to say goodbye. Good use of the moment and the connotation of bittersweet regret. Oddly, I went back to Paris here...