Buttons (Final Version)

[determinedtofail]

Buttons (Final Version)


Hairstyles, clothes,
those faces walking by.

It would be better if
something fell
someone stopped close by to speak.

Not out of loneliness,
but as though time were left burning
and my eyes were left to save things.

If my eyes were better liars,
my ears not so empty-

Then I might have gone unnoticed.
He doesnft play with the other children.

Objects and stories
would not hold such an affinity for me.
Thatfs him, the one we told you about.

Each item wants
searches for a promise
before the people carry it away.
Where should I look now?

Gloves, you smelled strong and new.
Hairstyle, you dominated those streets.
Bricks, let the sky cry
every time some fool paints over you.

There are moments
when buttons no longer stare,
when
I remember
comes as a single phrase.

There are moments waiting
in a space between lights.

Let all candles burn as they like
unabated, insequence, and even
so the wax can decide how to fall.



Buttons (Closer to a Final Version)


Hairstyles, clothes,
those faces walking by.

It would be better if
something fell
someone stopped close enough to speak.

Not out of loneliness,
but as though time were left burning
in a crowd without a leash
and my eyes were left to save things.

If my eyes were better liars,
my ears not so empty-

History might not have noticed
He doesnft play with the other children.

Objects and stories
would not hold such an affinity for me.
Thatfs him, the one we told you about.

Where to look now?

Gloves, you smelled strong and new.
Hairstyle, you dominated those streets.
Bricks, let the sky cry
every time some fool paints over you.

There are epochs
when buttons no longer stare,
when
I remember
comes as a single phrase.

There are moments waiting
in a space between lights.

Let all candles burn as they like
unabated and even
so the wax can decide how to fall.


Buttons


Hairstyles, clothes, those faces walking by.

It would be better if
something fell
someone stopped close to me to speak.

Not out of loneliness,
but as though time were left burning
in a crowd without a leash
and my eyes were left to save things.

If my eyes were better liars
my ears not so empty,
I may have gone unnoticed
objects would not hold such an affinity for me.

Thatfs him, the one we told you about
He doesnft play with the other children.

Alas, I have to appease each periods' items
before people carry them away.
Where do I look now?

Gloves, you smelled strong and new.
Hairstyle, you dominated the streets.
Bricks, let the sky cry
every time some fool paints over you.

There are moments
when buttons no longer stare
when I remember comes as a single phrase.

There are moments
slumbering
in the space between lights.

Let all candles burn as they like
even
unabated into the night.


_{--Shawn Austin 7/2/2010}

[determinedtofail]

After orgionaly posting, I saw some things that I wanted to change, so I changed them .

[Marion Poirier]

Austin, here are some suggestions to tighten, trim and
stay more focused. S4 sounds disconnected like an
afterthought. IMO there are unnecessary lines
and words.
Marion


Hairstyles, clothes, those faces walking by:
It would be better if
something fell
someone stopped close to me to speak.

Not out of loneliness,
but as though time were left burning
in a crowd without a leash
and only my eyes were spared. left to save things.

If my eyes were better liars,
my ears not so empty,
I may have gone noticed
objects would not hold such an affinity. for me.

Thatfs him, the one we told you about
He doesnft play with the other children.

Alas, I have to appease each item's period
before people carry them away.
Where do I look now?

Gloves, you smelled strong and new.
Hairstyle, you dominated the streets.
Bricks, let the sky cry
every time some fool paints over you.

There are moments
when buttons no longer stare.
when I remember, is a single phrase.

There are moments
slumbering
in the space between lights.

Let all the candles burn even
slow, unabated into the night.

[determinedtofail]

Think this is close to a final version. Made it a little easier to follow, but at the same time did not want to overlead the reader.

[determinedtofail]

..

[Marion Poirier]

Hi Austin.

I know you don't like to cut words, but I'm wondering
if you mean in S2, line 3 "someone close to me" in
a literal sense - i.e. someone you are close to;
otherwise, why would you need it as who is going to
speak to you from a distance?

Sorry, just trying to understand your reasoning,
and think maybe I should take up another hobby.

Best.
Marion

[determinedtofail]

Marrion,

Thank you! You bring up such a great point that I may do some cutting. Good job of noticing that. I hadn't perceived someone close to me that way. I'll have to reassess that now. Cool!

The Narrator does not want anyone to actually talk to him/her. With this poem I tried to convey the narrators need for an event to take place so as to create a defining point of focus. For the narrator's conflict is much that each object or story notices the narrators dorkish self affecting behavior of pretending not to pay attention. Therefore the objects themselves become aware, and crave the narrators attention even more so, to the point of them all focusing in on the N..

I wanted to use the narrators transference and hyper-personification of the objects and stories. The O&S are being carried from their point of origin, and they feel themselves becoming rare, unnoticed, thin, and discontinuous in time, while moving off in many directions. It is a difficult responsibility to try and placate them or focus on each one long enough to do it justice, before the next one comes at the N. Anyways, that's that was my reasoning and how I often feel in a crowd.

A member of my poetry recommended a book called, "School for Fools" that from what I'm told utilizes some of the same perspective.

What did you mean about find a new hobby??

--Austin

[Marion Poirier]

Hi Austin.
Thanks for the explanation. I've been told that it's the
poet's responsibility to write to be understood and not
the reader's to interpret. Probably the truth is somewhere
in the middle. Some mystique is good to fuel the reader's
thinking process but there must be a reason for every word,
every line, and a poem should not be a puzzle, a certain amount
of leading is necessary.


About the hobby, my feeble attempt at humor.
Now, I'm going to try and figure out what you
just told me. (LOL!)

Best,
Marion

[Marion Poirier]

Austin,

Wondering why you need "without a leash" in S3.
You are not walking a dog.

He doesnft play with the other children.

Is this a typo or is your keyboard going wild.
It happens. Next line also, same nit.

Ending lines, as you are aware, extremely important.

Let all candles burn as they like
unabated and even
so the wax can decide how to fall.

I'd think seriously about tighening or eliminating.

Last line here makes no sense to me; but I'm
a pragmatist - the wax has no life of its own.


Some food for thought - nothing more.

Best,
Marion

[determinedtofail]

Thanks Marion for your time. I got rid of the leashes line. You were right, holistically it just wasn't working. Also made a few minor changes here and there. Think I settled on this final version.

I started reading that book, "School for Fools" and this other book I'm reading about writing poetry "Nine Gates" by Jane Hirschfield. Both are helping me to concentrate on clarifying and to decide what to trim while at the same understanding how my own personality operates in my writing.

Hope your vacation went well. ;D

[Marion Poirier]

Austin, this is the best version so far, IMO.
I know you are determined to keep "close by"
in S2, but aside from the obvious, it interferes
with the rhythm. The other lines I deleted
take the focus elsewhere and only clutter the poem.
In the following stanza, you are telling us what the poem
needs to convey by images, the difference between
prose and poetry. You have done a good job at doing
this without the extras that detract.

Each item wants
searches for a promise
before the people carry it away.

You are learning to
economize, but it takes time to break old habits.
Best,
Marion

Hairstyles, clothes,
those faces walking by.

It would be better if
something fell
someone stopped close by to speak.

Not out of loneliness,
but as though time were left burning
and my eyes were left to save things.

If my eyes were better liars,
my ears not so empty-

Then I might have gone unnoticed.
He doesnft play with the other children.

Objects and stories
would not hold such an affinity for me.
Thatfs him, the one we told you about.

Each item wants
searches for a promise
before the people carry it away.
Where should I look now?

Gloves, you smelled strong and new.
Hairstyle, you dominated those streets.
Bricks, let the sky cry
every time some fool paints over you.

There are moments
when buttons no longer stare,
when
I remember
comes as a single phrase.

There are moments waiting
in a space between lights.

Let all candles burn as they like
unabated, insequence, and even
so the wax can decide how to fall.

[mfwilkie]

These lines from your draft stand out as well written, Austin.
For me, the other lines don't support them.

Go back with just these in your mind and stay in that groove.

Maggie




If my eyes were better liars


There are moments
when buttons no longer stare,
when
I remember
comes as a single phrase.


There are moments waiting
in a space between lights.

[Marion Poirier]

Hi Austin, I agree that the lines Maggie mentioned are some of the
best in the poem, but there are other lines that I like very much and
that I can identify with. Poetry is so subjective that we should have
several opinions as different people perceive and identify differently.
Regards,
Marion