unmasked

[silentsound(C.G.)]

i have been gone a very long time, and i have missed this community greatly, even lost touch with the buzzard... er scottshawk. i figured i would post a poem the way i use to, to see if it was still there.


Unmasked


silence fills a dark room,
what use to come so easy
quells in my thoughts.

a shadow more real than its caster
watches its source,
unwavering in the pen strokes:

my ink flowed
righteously
like the rivers of spring.

now it evaporates,
like so many summer puddles
returning to whence they came.

edit 3

[Marion Poirier]

Hi SL, good to see a familiar face again. Welcome back.

This poem is highly philosophical that IMO places it in
the realm of prose that is not a bad thing. I am reminded
of Shakespeare's characters' soliloquies, particularly Hamlet. Caesar,
and Macbeth for self-reflection and contemplation on the meaning
of life and death. Suggestions for clarity and trimming to T or L. M


Unmasked


Silence fills a dark room;
what was so easy
quells in my thoughts

a shadow more real than the object
unwavering in the pen strokes.
My ink no longer flows
like the rivers of spring

instead it evaporates
like so many summer puddles:

the ignorance,
the innocence,
the serene silence.

I'd end the poem here.
The rest has been said so many times in so many ways.
You have illustrated these thoughts in the above verse;
it does not need elaboration.

[mfwilkie]

Hi SL,

I like what this is trying to say, also, but think even tighter:

I hear the 1st and 2nd stanzas talk about "source, obstacle and objective". You might trim it back to bare bones. and address the obstacle.


silence fills a dark room,
what use to be so easy
quells in my thoughts.

a shadow more real than its object
watches its source,
unwavering in the pen strokes:

between source and my pen stroke,
what exists is the residue of an evaporated life,
making this a perfect occasion to tamper with hyperbole.

Some thoughts that might be helpful, SL:

Grab onto the nugget(your idea) and find where it feels the most comfortable being expressed. keep metaphors, similes and images simple and clear.

A pleasure to read you again.

Maggie

[determinedtofail]

SL,

Some more trimming, remaining clear while at the same time providing enough space between the words for the reader to rumminate on is such a delicate balance. What you have is a great start.

Maggie,

Intersting poem and I enjoyed the comments pertaining to it being philosophicle. Touch on the other comments, IMO Shakespear would have the verb implied and say something to this effect.

Between the source and my pen
exists the residue of life.

Not meaning to be offensive but, I left out the hyperbole line. Honestly, IMO it is unneaded and does not maintain the tone. For me it causes an unbalance, detracts,from the piece, and sounds as if the writer is overly self impressed with their own intelligence.


--Austin

[mfwilkie]

Between the source and my pen
exists the residue of life.

Not meaning to be offensive but, I left out the hyperbole line. Honestly, IMO it is unneaded and does not maintain the tone. For me it causes an unbalance, detracts,from the piece, and sounds as if the writer is overly self impressed with their own intelligence.


--Austin

I might agree with you, Austin, if the poet in this poem was invisible, but he isn't; the poem is all about him.

I like your further trim, but it reduces intent, becomes a statement, ignoring the poet's deliberate mention of dilemma.

Further trim, for the sake of revision, which is the most important part of any poem:

between source and pen stroke: some hyperbole

better yet:

between source and pen stroke: dead weight

Even better, a leading title, which goes to state of mind:

Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall...(self-analysis)

between source and pen stroke: dead weight
(the obvious hyperbole dead weight; dead- addresses dilemma)

(depending on how you scan/or hear 'between' as one reads it, this could be a monostich)

be tween source and pen stroke: hy per bo le

Regarding "tone"? You might want to read this:

www.frostfriends.org/tone.html

Here's an article on poetic ego you might want to read through to its fruitful end.


www.everywritersresource.com/writingsense/2010/07/the-poet-and-his-ego-by-elizabeth-atkins-from-the-poets-poet-1922/


To paraphrase Richard Hugo to his students, Austin, '...don't write like I write. Listen.'

Ginsberg said pretty much the same thing to his students.

It's what my teachers have said to me, and pretty much what I say, as an editor, to all who post here.

• Listen.
  
  
• Bury your darlings in the backyard.
  
  
• And educate yourself in craft because if you read enough and
  write enough, one day you'll recognize the definition of a craft word,
  or a technique in your own writing, and say, "Hey! Shakespeare
  said or did something just like that!". And if not Shakespeare, then
  your favorite 'brand' of inspiration.

FYI: Do I wear my ego when I edit? No. I wear a cape of ears; it's
lined with the best and the worst sounds from past and present
centuries of concert experience. And when it runs across a riff of unfamiliar notes, its opens wide to catch

Words. They all play to use, Austin. Especially in disclaimers.

Maggie

[silentsound(C.G.)]

thanks all for the wonderful comments. Though i like some, i cant bring myself to capitulate on the removal of others, to do so would mean the removal of the ideas i placed in this poem. namely the removal of righteously, which depending on how its read can change the overtone of the poem.

doing a few edits now

[mfwilkie]

my ink flowed
righteously
like the rivers of spring.

Just read your reply, silent, and am wondering if righteously shouldn't
be on the line above to keep the thought and image complete:

my ink flowed righteously

I'm just not sure how the rivers of spring as an image ties into the definition of the word, though.

Maggie

[determinedtofail]

Boy, I knew that was coming. Thanks Maggie I'll look into the info. SL best wishes on the edits.

Thanks again Maggie. From all that good info that you included about Tone, I almost find myself wanting to say something more to cause you to point out more things.

Cheers
---Austin