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Post by mfwilkie on Feb 15, 2008 19:32:34 GMT -5
First revision
It's so unfair you're somewhere having sex
and I'm making love to a paper bag
on a train to Boston.
I mention the train to Boston because it's where I wrote the first PBP.
Original
It's so unfair you're somewhere having sex
and I'm making love to a paper bag.
Please don't call with the echoes—
I'm still recovering from your last ricochet.
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Feb 16, 2008 13:16:29 GMT -5
Making love to a paper bag (writing from a place deep inside) in contradistinction to having sex is a wonderful demonstration of polarity between spiritual love and simply having sex. (if I am reading this properly.)
Which is more unfair? And therefore, are the last two lines necessary?
Gave me something to ponder.
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Post by mfwilkie on Feb 16, 2008 13:20:41 GMT -5
Good point, jon. Thank you muchly.
Mags
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Feb 16, 2008 13:38:35 GMT -5
This says much more. Good revision. More pathos than the original.
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Post by mfwilkie on Feb 16, 2008 13:52:25 GMT -5
Thanks, me friend.
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Post by LynnDoiron on Feb 16, 2008 14:14:46 GMT -5
I like it.
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Post by purplejacket on Feb 16, 2008 19:40:24 GMT -5
to a paper bag, or with a paper bag?
hmmmmmmmm thinka thinka
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Feb 16, 2008 20:52:37 GMT -5
I'm on board with the edit, think it works like a fine Celtic charm; sorry about the Pats. Ron
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Feb 16, 2008 22:27:34 GMT -5
I like it muchly, especially my role in it.  |
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Post by mfwilkie on Feb 17, 2008 2:56:47 GMT -5
Who won the game, sweetcheeks?
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Post by sandpiper on Feb 17, 2008 11:09:50 GMT -5
I like the revision...
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Feb 17, 2008 11:41:05 GMT -5
UNC by 39, Mags. Va Tech never had a chance.  |
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Nan
EP Gold 1000 Posts Plus
Posts: 1,076
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Post by Nan on Feb 17, 2008 14:44:04 GMT -5
Wow, Maggie, this one stabs, but it's very good. I was thinking about "paper bag poem", instead of just a "paper bag," but I guess your title says it all. Ignore my suggestion.
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