Tsunami (mod1)

[alfredo]

it was a day that warmed the earth
and lifted the grass from the damp;
causing the green blades to yawn and stretch
and leaves to uncurl above the trees.

but now shadows paint their mysteries among the days remains,
the blue falls from the sky and dusk races to take its place

six minutes pass

the harbour warning lights flicker
across the bay flags fall away, the distant city
silhouettes dark, sharp, and vulnerable

above the café tables umbrellas bend and flutter
the shadowed trees have ceased to smile,
a flock’s deafening wings cause dogs to dash and dive

and the sea sucks a mighty breath

gripping hands are torn apart
boats sail down the freeway
houses rush across the bay
sea shells stare from the branches.

moans and groans greet the dawn –
the selfish lie between the shell fish
and not a single bird is heard

[Marion Poirier]

Alfredo,

Some vivid descriptions and imagery in the first half.
In the last three stanzas the message is too prominent
IMO. It sounds like something out of the bible, and in
a just world that would be viable. You could tone down
the message so it does not overpower the poem.

Nice work!

Marion

[alfredo]

thanks Marion - will reflect on your patient words

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Punctuation would make this an easier read for me......Accept this if you will, or else not, but I might remove verses 8 and 10, and end the poem with verse 9 ("..not a single bird is heard.") That tidies up the package for me.....Nicely done Alfredo.

gripping hands are torn apart
boats sail down the freeway
houses rush across the bay
sea shells stare from the branches.

moans and groans greet the dawn –
the selfish lie between the shell fish
and not a single bird is heard.

[alfredo]

Hi Johnathon , I do agree shortening it is the answer..
stand by

[Marion Poirier]

Hi Alfredo,

A very good revision, Alfredo. You are saying just enough
to bring your intent home.

Marion

[mfwilkie]

'fredo, when trying to capture an image start out with as clean a sketch of it as you can.



and lifted the grass from the damp;

If you lift grass from damp, aren't you left with damp?

Some thoughts on image-making. I tossed out what I thought was baggage.

Maggie

it was a day that warmed the earth,
freeing the grass from its usual dampness.

what there was of the green, yawned,
and stretched around and beyond the trees.

in six minutes

dusk will dominate the sky,
harbor warning lights will flicker
across the bay, flags will fall away,
the distant city will become dark
and vulnerable, the sea will breathe
its strength; there will be death,
and you will find the selfish
among the living.

[alfredo]

The Earthquake hit at 2:46 PM 3/11/2011 Japanese time. One hour later 3:46 the Tsunami struck Japan