Legacy (Version 4)

[Marion Poirier]

Legacy

crows circle a field of white crosses
two women visit a fresh grave

one speaks to the sky -
strapped to her back, an infant wails

the elder stands stone-faced

_________________________
Original

Legacy


crows circle
field of white crosses
two women visit a grave

an infant wails
strapped to his mother's back
she speaks to the sky

the elder stands
silent and stone-faced
bows her gray head


Marion A. Poirier

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

This seems to be a Native American senryu trilogy so to speak, Marion.
From death, to infancy, to elder. The cycle is complete, and the legacy lives. Interesting and thought provoking.

[Marion Poirier]

Thank you, so much, Jon.
for your insiteful review.
This is a haiku/senyru trilogy piece
(or a short poem.)

I've been trained in the HSA tradition and we
don't distinquish senyru from haiku as human
nature is part of nature.

This is about a young soldier, husband/father/son
killed in combat. (rows of white crosses)

Thank you, my friend, for your gracious response.

My best,
Marion

[alfredo]

Theory and ritual pattern are not too important to me but the simplicity, concentrated images, their completeness, appealed.

[Marion Poirier]

Alfredo,

Thank you for your comments.
I'm not putting a label on this one,
as to form. It began as a longer poem,
and eventually shortened to nine lines
that resembles a haiku/senryu triology.
Everyone has their own conception
of the form so I'll leave it as a short poem.

Marion

[mfwilkie]

M,

Been thinking about these for a couple of days and keep hearing the first two in two lines, the third in one:

crows circle a field of white crosses
two women visit a grave

strapped to his mother's back the infant wails
she speaks to the sky

the elder bows a face made of stone

Maggie

[Marion Poirier]

Thanks Maggie.

I like combining the lines as you suggested.
Made some changes based on your comments.

Best,
Marion

[mfwilkie]

I like the addition of fresh, M, it gives the image balance.
Especially like what you did in the second.

The third is a little flat, still. Since words are at a premium, I think using elder and grey is like repeating yourself.

What about:

the elder bows a face made of stone.

It's not enough for two lines, but honestly, M, I don't think you need it. Anything else would be just fill, don't you think?

Maggie

[Marion Poirier]

Thanks Maggie,

I agree with the redundancy of elder and gray;
also, less is definitely more in this work.
I prefer "stone-faced" to "face made of stone."

Thanks again for your help.

M

[determinedtofail]

I especially like your poem about the train the smoke and the palm on the window. IMO let your scene design itself, has more wabi sabi that way. Here is a suggestion, but I think I left out the other women carrying the child on her back.


Crows circle
a field of white crosses.

Two women
next to a fresh grave.

The infant wails to the sky
The mother stares into the ground.

--Austin

[Marion Poirier]

Thanks Austin,

Mother rather than elder is an idea.

I'm trying to say something in that line
Each reader will interpret it in his/her
own way. I'm told that it's the author's
responsibility to lead but minds don't
work the same way nor do we react
the same way. I would probably be
looking at the grave also.

M

[mfwilkie]

Along the lines of cutting more to intensify image, M.


crows circle a field of white crosses
two women visit a fresh grave

one speaks to the sky -
strapped to her back, an infant wails

the elder stands stone-faced

[Marion Poirier]

YES!

I like this version, Maggie.
The removal of the unnecessary words in L3, great idea.
Also verb change in last line perfect for "in the moment" image.

THANX!
Appreciate your time.

M

crows circle a field of white crosses
two women visit a fresh grave

one speaks to the sky -
strapped to her back, an infant wails

the elder stands stone-faced