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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Jul 15, 2010 21:10:32 GMT -5
First Edit
Your golden warmth sears my chest and thighs,
then edges furtively across my back.
I can't escape you, and would never try.
Oh radiant orb in the eastern sky
be not jealous of Zephyrus' caress
while he distracts with clouded curtains.
"Nothing compares to you" I muse,
then prepare myself for your heated embrace
when you emerge to have your way with me.
Original
Your golden warmth sears my chest and thighs,
then edges furtively across my back.
I can't escape you, and wouldn't try.
Angered by a soft soothing breeze
caressing my shoulders, you hide behind
thick cloud cover to compose yourself.
Oh radiant orb in the eastern sky,
be not jealous of Zephyrus, for he
is merely a foil for your blissful beams.
"Nothing compares to you" I muse,
then prepare myself for your heated embrace
when you emerge to have your way with me.
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Post by Marion Poirier on Jul 15, 2010 21:18:06 GMT -5
Hi Jon, This poem is different from your usual work, more sensual.  I will have to absorb it before offering any suggestion. On first read, very well done and tasteful. I wouldn't expect anything less from you. Enjoyed! My best, Marion |
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Post by Marion Poirier on Jul 15, 2010 21:53:06 GMT -5
Jon, first impression:
Don't really care for wagon-treaded clouds. It's original,
but don't know where you are going with this image.
It hits me as kinda over the top.
There is humor here so room for a certain amount of the
dramatic (I'm still learning) how to write contemporary poetry.
Best always,
Marion
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Jul 15, 2010 22:00:19 GMT -5
That's what they looked like when I saw them this morning. What the heck.
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Post by mfwilkie on Jul 15, 2010 22:01:59 GMT -5
Are you down the shore?  I'm with M on the wagon-treaded clouds. I'm not getting the image. Have a few thoughts on meter, but want to think about it for a few days. Mags |
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Jul 16, 2010 13:19:59 GMT -5
Got rid of Ward Bond and the Wagon Train.......How's the edit?
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Post by Marion Poirier on Jul 16, 2010 14:09:04 GMT -5
Jon, IMO, you don't need S2
I am not following your train of thought here -
perhaps some rewording.
Marion
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Post by Marion Poirier on Jul 17, 2010 7:54:53 GMT -5
Jon,
I read again and "get it." I was taking you literally
on last read without the tongue-in-cheek humor,
but your intent is abundantly clear and clever
in the light of day.
An interesting mixture of rhyme, near rhyme and
slanted rhyme.
Nicely done!
Marion
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Post by mfwilkie on Jul 17, 2010 12:42:10 GMT -5
Jon,
If ecstacy is mixed with your ink, it muddies the imagery and prevents you from communicating with the reader. Everything becomes toooooooooooooooo grand and the core of what you're feeling/experiencing gets lost. Reach inward to reach outward.
Some thoughts below.
Mags
Your reach is warm; it sears my chest and thighs
then edges furtively across my back.
I can't escape your heat, and wouldn't try. Though,
Zeph yr us vies for my attention, moves
the clouds to come between us, draws his breath,
a minor ecstacy, across my shoulder blades,
please lay aside your fear that I will roam/will leave you.`
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Jul 17, 2010 15:06:12 GMT -5
Maggie, there was no ecstasy implied here. I was simply personifying the sun as a lover, and a jealous one at that. I don't think I understand your comments. Perhaps you could help me with that via pm. Thanks.
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Aug 1, 2010 12:02:55 GMT -5
This morning, I reread your comments, Maggie, and actually liked the way you had Zephyrus personified, vying for attention by blowing the clouds between the maiden and the sun. Very helpful.
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