haiku (Ver. 3)

[mfwilkie]

M,

onCsider starting with the image and then asking the question.
I think the turn will work for you.

Keep it tight. Not sure about "on faded bark".

If you're trying to say it's an old oak, what about:

dressed in aged bark

The simile of spent breaths isn't working for me. Needs more relevance to the acorns and oak.

Consider a new title, too.

Maggie

The Last days of Autumn

dressed in aged bark,
the bald oak trembles,
its acorns spent
as haphazardly
as the first enthusiastic
watermelon seeds
of summer.

Does love grows old?

I wonder.

[Marion Poirier]

Decided on a change of pace.
Something lighter:
New version:

heat stroke
spider climbs up my neck
and drowns.

7/27/2010

(Last version)
summer heat wave
spider climbs up my neck
and drowns


M. Poirier
7/27/2010

[mfwilkie]

A couple of thoughts, M.

the red oak shivers
without its crown

for

the red oak shivers
without a crown

I'm thinking your third line needs to be much stronger visually.

I know what your trying to say. but 'like our spent days' is weak.

Maggie

[Marion Poirier]

Thanks Maggie,

I'll keep thinking on this one.

M