On the Rocks (Second Edit)

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Second Edit

Along the craggy shoreline, some of
the mallards tuck their black bills
into soft feathers of mottled browns
and greens-a brief respite
from flight.

Others hit the river,
webbed feet first,
momentary little Jesuses.

I watch from behind
the wrought iron fence-
arms locked at my sides.


First Edit

Keepers of the craggy shoreline,
the ducks tuck their black bills into soft feathers
of mottled browns and greens- a
brief respite from flight.

They occasionally lift their heads
and preen, give a hasty look around their
jagged sanctuary, then return to rest.

Other members of the flock hit the slowly-
flowing river, webbed feet first,
momentary little Jesuses- miracles,
just for seconds.

I watch them from behind the wrought iron
fence, arms locked at my sides.

Original

Some tuck their bills into soft feathers;
a respite from flight.
Their eyes turn upward, only white remains.

Occasionally they lift their heads and preen,
give a hasty look around the rocks, then
return to rest-

Others land in the river, webbed feet first,
momentary little Jesuses.

I watch them from behind the fence,
arms close to my sides.

[Marion Poirier]

Jon, nicely done; I suggest losing some of the pronouns
their, them, and some as the beginning word.
I surmise your intent is not to mention the gulls by name.
but to describe them. IMO it is more visual to give the gulls
a name. I'd use it in the title and can also be part of the
first line. This is a first read; I know it is a draft,
but the pronouns really stand out for me as being excessive.
Enjoyed the read.

Best,
Marion


The Gulls

tuck their bills into soft feathers;
a respite from flight,
eyes turn upward, only white remains.

Occasionally, lifting heads,
they give a hasty look and preen
around the rocks, then return to rest

or land in the river, webbed feet first,
momentary little Jesuses.

I watch from behind the fence,
arms close to my sides.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Thanks for your time and suggestions Marion. These were actually ducks, not gulls. I'll see what I can do about the pronouns...

[mfwilkie]

Jon, Get in closer to this image: what color are the feathers, right or left wing. what kind of birds are they, describe the rocks, describe the river, fast or slow, what color is it, what surrounds it. is there any other life around that you can see.

Some tuck their bills into soft feathers;
a respite from flight.
Their eyes turn upward, only white remains.

Occasionally they lift their heads and preen,
give a hasty look around the rocks, then
return to rest...

Others land in the river, webbed feet first,
momentary little Jesuses. **

** Go deeper here as well. Why do they remind you of Jesus?

I watch them from behind the fence, ***
arms close to my sides.

***Not sure if this is your intent with this last line, but I love the idea of what I imagine here: resisting the urge to want to fly.

Maggie

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Thanks for your input here Maggie. It is helpful. Your idea about the last line is pretty close.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Please give me your perceptions.Thanks

[mfwilkie]

Jon, I think it would help to know the species of duck.

keepers implies a watchful eye and these guys have their beaks tucked in feathers.

the idea in the last line is so strong compared to the looseness of the preceeding images.

get in tighter, Jon.

mags

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Good point about the keepers. Thanks for reading and commenting. More work to do..

[mfwilkie]

Along the craggy shoreline, some of
the mallards tuck their black bills
into soft feathers of mottled browns
and greens-a brief respite
from flight.

Others hit the river,
webbed feet first,
momentary little Jesuses.

I watch them from behind*
the wrought iron fence-
arms locked at my sides.

* Listen to the assonance when wrought is removed.

You can very effectively remove 'them', also, Jon.

It makes for a stronger end line.

You're going to shake your head when I say get closer to the ducks and the shoreline in the opening stanza.

You're too far away from it, still.

Maggie

[sanctus]

Perhaps the question is: Does the shoreline matter to the ducks or do the ducks matter to the shoreline?

Daniel

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Like your idea Maggie....thanks.

[lizbethbrown]

"Keepers of the craggy shoreline,
the ducks tuck their black bills into soft feathers"

LOVE these lines - especially the first one. It will stick with me - and you the visitor, slightly awkward outside the wrought iron fence... i'd leave in "wrought"

Personally, I couldn't care less what type of duck it is. that happens to be beside the point.

beautiful.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Thank you lizbeth for allowing me to see another point of view, appreciating some of the original wording. Thanks for taking the time to have a look, and for your gracious comments.