April Showers

[sandpiper]

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Love the tone, and the word choice that permeates the poem, Piper. The work creates a living, sexy, vibrant image emerging from the rain.
Line two, maybe it's the punctuation, maybe a need for quotes or italics to set the thought off more, I don't know, but I want something more definitive there.
In line six I'd say {but run head-covered toward my home} pure voice thing for me subjective and tossed if it intrudes on yours. I honestly like the piece. Ron
By the way, I think my muse may have seen yours on the beach, and being a North Carolinan I suppose you're aware that's a Gamecock you have for an avatar, interesting choice.

[sandpiper]

Changed the items you suggested, Ron, Thank you...
and for the rooster, yeah, I love pictures, so change my avatar accordingly with my mood. at the moment, I guess I'm feeling a bit cocky. (jk)
It's actually a really neat pic I took up in Jamestown, which I don't think you can see by the smallness of the avatar.here's the large version... and I'm still working on getting that hawk pic, it's stuck on the camera until I get a new cord....

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

I really enjoyed this one, piper. So totally embracing the now instead of what could have been garden variety responses to the rain... resonant rhyming both internally and line-ending.

I was bumped by "wrestling"in line 8-but that's just me.
In L2, what about switching the semi-colon and the comma after "wet"?

Great ending couplet.....made me smile ;D......Good job!!

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hi Piper-

Please forgive the laziness, but I have the flu. In that case, please forgive me if the suggestions suck. I re-posted your sonnet with my suggestions, most of which are minor, instead of doing the usual end of line parentheses. Feel free, as always, to take or discard whatever you wish, my friend. Nice work.

David

Had I stood numb to April's patterings,
and just thought cold, dull sound, light-pressure; wet,
I'd not have giggled at the tricklings
that tickled peach-fuzz hairs upon my neck.
I'd not have softly slowed, re-paced my tread;
I would have run, head covered, towards my home.
Had I seen muted, dreary grey instead
of tumbled, wrestling, merging monochrome,
and not been stilled as rubied silhouette
(with flit and flicker) sucked at sugared juice,
or breasts defined by slickened threads, I bet
I would have needed some bizarre (or untried) excuse
to rush in, slip my spring dress over head
at three PM, to say, "It's time for bed."

[antman]

I enjoy the rain at times and with this
piece I miss it, being that it mostly
snows here in the winter. The rain is a
blessing much like your poem. Nice work
piper.

anthony

[mfwilkie]

Piper,

Can one softly slow?

Really like this:

Had I seen muted, dreary grey, instead
of tumbled, wrestling, merging monochrome,

for me, the next few lines could be clearer; rubied silhouette seems a bit too poetic. A hummingbird as a silhouette isn't working for me, there's too much motion going on there.

and not been stilled as rubied silhouette
(with flit and flicker) sucked at sugared juice,
or breasts defined by slickened threads,

Maggie

[LynnDoiron]

Had I stood numb to April's patterings,
and just thought cold, [omit dull sound, replace with] thud-thud, light-pressure; wet,
I'd not have giggled at the tricklings
that tickled waiting hairs upon my neck. [these 2 lines make my neck tickle! AA+++]
I'd not have [omit softly] slowed and paced my tread,
but [omit quickly] run head-covered towards my home.
Had I seen muted, [omit dreary] grey, instead
of tumbled, wrestling, merging monochrome,
and not been stilled as rubied silhouette [?]
(with flit and flicker) sucked at sugared juice,
or breasts defined by slickened threads, I bet
I would have needed some damn, lame excuse [?]
to rush in, slip my dress over my head [?]
at three PM, to say "It's time for bed"

[piper, i begin to get lost around the rubied silhouette; and in the lame excuse line, i want to read the meaning of that as And any lame excuse would do to get naked and haul [whoever] into bed.] I get this sense of sensual awakening in the gentle rain and the outline of breasts while Nature is bringing everything alive and bringing the V alive too.

Suggesting the omissions of slowly and quickly probably come from my aversion to adverbs, especially when the verbs more than amply do the job.

For me, one modifer for gray [either muted OR dreary] vs. the multiple modifiers for monochromatic works to make the gray even more boring, less interesting, thus my suggesiton to omit dreary.

And my [?] places are just because the clarity and simplicity of all that was forwarded in earlier lines goes missing and I have some difficulty drawing out conclusions about what I'm meant to see/feel/understand.

okey-dokey. now, i'll go read other comments and see how badly i did with mine. lynn

[sandpiper]

Thank you Jonathon, David, Anthony, Maggie and Lynn, for your time and thoughtful ideas,
I'm taking them all in and seeing how I can rework.
Thanks!
-piper