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Post by mfwilkie on Feb 18, 2008 15:56:42 GMT -5
Mid-Monday morning:
new shoots of grass edge out old snow embattlements melting under warmth urged northward from the Carolinas and moaning the loss of yesterday's bold seasoned-chill with gasps of fog as if they were surrendering soul-suffered change in a weather metaphor that saw surreal.
Dinner time:
not thick enough for soup clichés, more like a film-noire mystery—
::the heroine, with bad hair hidden under a damp scarf, reaches the all-important lamppost, and leans::
Later that night:
Cocooned. Encased. Enveloped even, but not confined.
Four days later:
Winter laid down ten inches of statement— Orion was lostin a haze that filtered so much black out of night you might have thought the moon had bled across the sky.
White was everywhere again, so I let the poet in.
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Feb 18, 2008 16:34:57 GMT -5
a fascinating anthropomorphic projection of human soul characteristics onto blades of grass----is it the grass that's writhing, and the grass that is the embattlements? or is it the old snow? ----can't tell for sure----but grass is moaning, gasping, refusing change, and finally surrendering to the inevitable...much enjoyed...
michael
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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Feb 18, 2008 17:33:39 GMT -5
Magpie, this is sensational, especially the first four lines. Would you consider dropping line 5? It's okay, but I think the poem ends well with line 4. Really well written, my friend. Tina
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Feb 18, 2008 17:36:36 GMT -5
Love it, Mags, and I would keep the fifth line. I think it has too much to say to be jettisoned.
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Post by LynnDoiron on Feb 18, 2008 18:50:43 GMT -5
New shoots of grass are edging out old snow / embattlements which writhe under warmth urged / northward from the Carolinas and moan / the loss of yesterday's bold seasoned-chill / with gasps of fog—souls against change, surrendered / in a weather metaphor that saw surreal.
Love your opening line. Then I trip on L2 and reread L1 so as to connect embattlements to snow. Then I have a tricky time visualizing snow embattlements writhing; melting, yeah, but writhing, not so much. Then again, we don't get much snow and I'm no expert on how it goes with hit by warmth. And coming to warmth, I'm reading the warmth as the moaner in this poem. No, that's wrong I think. I think the snow embattlements are moaning the loss of yesterday's chill [which makes better sense, snow would mourn the loss of chill]; are the gasps of fog the souls? [You know me and souls/soul use; I'm a little like Collins and cicadas.] Sorry to be so altogether obtuse on this one, mugs -- but other than the clean opening line AND the very fine end line that I love and would not lose for anything, this one spins my thinking, ties clarity into a series of small knots.
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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Feb 18, 2008 19:15:28 GMT -5
Wow. I like the additional line alot!! Now it is totally wrapped for me. Wonderful!!
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