Untitled/first revision

[mfwilkie]

First Revision

You, in a small frame free of dust
from the long habit of intimacy,
sit bow-tied and tuxed for a
wedding-nova destined to implode
before the cement on the license
was dry.

Voices in memories shrink,
become stubbles of sound—
each with less echo-effect
as suns wind down on sons
who mimic a father freed of
a first life betrayed, free to
love again in eccentric fashion.

Married to the lines of the tux
is a long black coat, and silence
under glass.

Original

You, in a small frame free of dust
from the long habit of intimacy,
sit bow-tied and tuxed for a
wedding-nova destined to implode
before the cement on the license
was dry.

Voices in memories shrink,
become stubbles of sound—
each with less echo-effect
as suns wind down on sons
who mimic a father freed
to love in eccentric fashion,
free of a first guess gone
wrong.

Married to the lines of the tux
is a long black coat, and silence
under glass.

[Ken_Nye]

Mag, this is hauntingl and melancholic -- kind of a father's or mother's nightmare as he/she gazes at his/her daughter's wedding pictures. ("I had a feeling that kid was a little shit underneath the smiles and the manners.")
The last line is terrific..

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Loving the first read, Mags.

[LynnDoiron]

Every line is strong, esp. love stubbles of sound, but overall there is about this, for me anyway, a puzzle just beyond my piecing the parts together. Maybe, when you title, the title will have the photo exposed like the boxtop on a jigsaw puzzle. Again, love the lines, love the opening and other areas, just fuzzy on meaning. [Will say I see a short-lived and failed marriage and a short life and dearly loved one gone; long black coat is death, right?]

[johnnysaturn]

Marvellous.. Don't sully it please by even a microdot of exegesis.

[MichaelFirewalker]

agree with John----it's a fait accompli----says exactly what you intended----I only wish the last two lines weren't so damned real...

mick