Night Shift

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Night Shift

At the soft juncture of the dawn,
my yawn-and-stretch completes
a canvassing of tousled sheets
to find she's come and gone.

She showed up late, but wouldn’t stay
beyond the coital sly,
proving (again) that she and I
are strangers in the day

convening to acquaint at night
as if amnesiacs
who melt together like the wax
that moats the candlelight.



Possible revision

At the soft juncture of the dawn,
my yawn-and-stretch completes
a canvassing of cotton sheets
to find that she has gone.

She loved me well, but wouldn’t stay
to watch the darkness die,
determining that she and I
are strangers (in the day)

who reconnoiter in the night
as if insomniacs
melting together like the wax
that moats the candlelight.


Original

At the soft juncture of the dawn,
my yawn-and-stretch completes
a canvassing of flannel sheets
to find that she has gone.

She loved me well, but wouldn’t stay
to watch the darkness die;
preserving, thus, that she and I
are strangers in the day,

who reacquaint within the night
as if amnesiacs
who melt together like the wax
that moats the candlelight.

[zambatriste]

Loved the first two stanzas. Felt a bump on the first two lines of the third stanza. "Amnesiacs", I think. It was hard to pull up the image you were trying to convey. However, the last two lines were delicious.

zambatriste

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Still loving it....I think I've lived that line "amnesiacs" so many times the image was crystal clear... I like this one alot, more and more with each read.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thank you, Z, and JL.

Z, the "amnesiacs" reference was meant to convey that the lovers were only such in the middle of the night, and they pretty much forget each other in the day...then when they reunite in the darkness, things are remembered and repeated. Then again, you may have been talking about a metrical issue?

Thanks, Jo Lynne. Yes, sometimes it's better to forget, albeit briefly.

[MichaelFirewalker]

it's a great poem----love "the soft juncture of the dawn"----and if that ain't a woman you're describing with those words, I don't know what is----'cause there's a mother-load of pain penned between all your fine lines----and I understand so well, David-my-brother, how you go into your head for refuge when you hurt like hell----so do I----been there awhile now too...

michael

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thank you, sister Mick, and yes, it's the safest place to be. I think JL knows it, too.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

I have posted a new version with a new third stanza. Would love to hear preferences.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

I like the original better, David, but I just relate much better to it. Either way would work.

[Tina (Firefly)]

David, the first version seems the best to me all around. The second version doesn't have the same softness or emotional punch for some reason. As always though, I love what you do. Tina

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thank you, JL and Tina. I appreciate it, and I'll probably revert back to the original based on your reactions. I guess we should trust our first impressions.

[alfredo]

wish
i has crafted this
say! the original
ok!
nuf sed