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Post by mfwilkie on Feb 24, 2008 22:05:37 GMT -5
He has an easy look about him
as he sleeps; peacefulness returns
as thoughts of surgery, of cures,
are swept away with rest he needs.
I check love's breathing and the color
of his skin—I touch his toes.
He'll turn and reach if I remove
my hand—but I stay near so fear
won't find my sailor's dreams.
My breathing slows and matches his,
and for a while, I let his rest
become my own.
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Feb 24, 2008 22:23:55 GMT -5
Like this very much on first read, Maggie.How does the title tie in?
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Post by mfwilkie on Feb 24, 2008 23:15:13 GMT -5
It's probably the most obscure title I ever came up with, jon,
but Kenny was Navy and I was Army, and in battle they
support each other.
Glad you liked the piece.
Mags
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Feb 25, 2008 10:42:53 GMT -5
Mags, while the title is significant to you, since not many readers are privy to the biographical background of it, I would suggest something more generally connected to it. Just my deuce worth's of advice.
D
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Post by sandpiper on Feb 25, 2008 11:15:55 GMT -5
yes, or work the army into the write, as you have sailor already...
" He'll turn and reach if I remove
my hand—but I 'stand guard' so fear
won't find my sailor's dreams"
You'll lose your rhyme there doing it this way, but you get my meaning, just to add the hint of army in there somewhere to glue the title to the write more..
-piper
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Post by johnnysaturn on Feb 25, 2008 17:59:54 GMT -5
I would urge you to resist the urge to tie up loose ends. What is poetry shorn of emotion, mystery and music other than prettified prose? I'm already in a state of high dudgeon that you even deigned to elaborate on the title. Didn't stop me loving this piece however.
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Feb 25, 2008 18:28:47 GMT -5
I love it too, mags...it is solid, like you, and full of goodness...
mick
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Post by LynnDoiron on Feb 25, 2008 18:45:27 GMT -5
I, too, would urge you to resist. This is perfection of tenderness and tender pain in recollections. At readings, you might do what poets do, give a slight intro to the piece; a book would have its own intro. I want to write something about the rhythms, sounds, in this, but all I can share is that each time I come to your end line, my eyes warm to the point of tears.
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alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
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Post by alfredo on Feb 26, 2008 1:08:03 GMT -5
I like it very much too..but the title!!...consider
But I prefer "His Rest Becomes My Own".
Also:
Fallen Comrade in Arms,
Comrade in my Arms.
War and love, Love and War
Love at War,
Fighting love,
War Fallen love,
War Stained Love,
Love Despair and War
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Feb 26, 2008 15:56:21 GMT -5
johnnysaturn said it best----I love the title too...
mick
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