Revision/Freeze Frame_Route 2

[mfwilkie]

The sun is melting through the trees
and to the right a pine-fringed view
of clouds adds depth, defines distance—
tall spires spun solder-grey, shaped as if
they're waiting for a dreamer.


Original

The sun is melting through the trees
and to the right a pine-fringed view
of clouds adds depth—tall spires
spun solder-grey defining distance.


They're shaped as if they're waiting for
a dreamer.

[MichaelFirewalker]

I love the first four lines, very sharp and real, but not sure I understand what kind of dreamer you mean in the last line----do you mean a day-dreamer?----someone awake who would mentally create a hoped-for reality from what he sees in the first four lines?

michael

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I like this one a lot, Maggie. How about a simple {and} instead of "as if" in the closing? Ron

[mfwilkie]

Food for thought, Ron.

Thanks, Mags

[LynnDoiron]

The sun is melting through the trees [how gorgeous is that?!]
and to the right a pine-fringed view
of clouds adds depth, defining distance— [I'd use defines to parallel adds]
tall spires spun solder-grey. [are these tall spires the pines?]

They're shaped as if they're waiting for [and is the They mentioned here the clouds? or trees?]
a dreamer. [love this]


Okay, so based on questions asked above and thinking that the spires are the trees rather than the clouds, this is what I'd do, if mine:

The sun is melting through the trees,
tall spires spun solder-gray.
And to the right a pine-fringed view
of clouds adds depth, defines
distance—

Clouds shaped as if they're waiting for
a dreamer.

[okay. you know the routine -- "ignore" the whole shebang or use what might work for you.]