Ocean (edits 1)

[Laura Stone]

Ocean
written after reading a sermon by Dr. Bowers*

I am in awe at the far side
of the ocean,
imagine distant shores,
its depth,
its sheer immensity.

I am in awe at the far side
of the ocean,
but this near side
where the waves
lick my toes
and I spot sandpipers
running from the foam,
seashells,
and crabs scurrying
beneath the sand for shelter.

I am in awe at the far side
of the ocean,
but the near side,
where it touches me,
my life--

this near side
of the ocean,
I love.

[MichaelFirewalker]

love what you are saying here, Laura, but am having trouble with the unfinished clauses ended with semi-colons----doesn't work for me----maybe you could end them with long dashes, or something that let's us get the sense that they are purposely being left dangling?

michael

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

I really like what you are saying here, Laura. Consider this rendition:

I am awed by the far side
of the ocean;
imagine its depth,
sheer immensity,
and distant shores.

I am awed by the far side
of the ocean;
but here, on this near side
where the waves
lick my bare toes,
I spot dolphins,
seashells,
crabs scurrying
for shelter beneath the sand.

I am awed by the far side
of the ocean;
but the near side,
where it touches my life-

this near side...
I love.

I inverted some words, used some punctuation for longer pauses, and just trimmed it a bit, trying to keep your voice true.

[mfwilkie]

Laura,

I'd like a clearer idea of what the far side of the ocean means.

Maggie

[Laura Stone]

Maggie,

The far side of the ocean is its vastness, its immensity... the near side is what is around me, that which I can be a part of, up close and personal....

Some revisions... thanks, Laura

[mfwilkie]

Got that, Laura, but do images of the far side of the ocean equate with the depth and immensity of the sea?

I think there are apples and oranges afoot in the opening stanza.

Maggie




I am in awe at the far side
of the ocean,
imagine distant shores,
its depth,
its sheer immensity.