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Post by mfwilkie on Mar 7, 2008 23:21:07 GMT -5
when the earth rests in the arms of the moon
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Post by LynnDoiron on Mar 11, 2008 21:40:10 GMT -5
mugs,
I like the sound of this, the magical thing words can do -- but I don't quite really get it . . . I can almost put the title together with a piece that reads when the moon rests in the arms of the earth and visualize the hard times of a collision of devastating proportions.
c. b-b
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Post by mfwilkie on Mar 11, 2008 22:51:18 GMT -5
I think it should read:
Hard Times:
when night rests in shadows from the moon, chicky.
Mugs
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Post by LynnDoiron on Mar 11, 2008 22:58:22 GMT -5
but doesn't carry the magic, rhythm, or whatever, that you currently have.
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Post by mfwilkie on Mar 11, 2008 23:11:56 GMT -5
It's not working either, you're right.
I hate, hate, hate revising short lines.
They never want to go away until you get them right.
In context (ms) this is closer to intent, though.
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Post by mfwilkie on Mar 11, 2008 23:14:38 GMT -5
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Mar 12, 2008 19:45:14 GMT -5
I give up
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Post by sandpiper on Mar 12, 2008 20:53:14 GMT -5
Hey Maggie,
I don't know, but thinking on it, I think it needs the absence of the sun in there, and not just the earth/moon to give the idea of the absence of sun. I think possibly personifying them more would work well; why is the sun gone? get that across in a few words, and the earth courting the moon, something along those lines if you see where I'm going with this. I see the point that's being made but probably wouldn't have reading only one of the posts/versions. almost there, I think.
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Post by LynnDoiron on Mar 12, 2008 22:16:17 GMT -5
hard times when lit hours give way to dreamy moontime  |
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