Parallels

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

A single starling wings
her way through a downpour,
destination unknown;

yet she flies with purpose.
Water streams over feathers,
but fails to dampen her resolve.

We are related-
cousins once removed,
and in a flash
I am flooded with tears.

She flies, I run-
to what end?

Looking down on me
she smiles and says,

"I am simply following
my flight plan"-

then asks,
"what is yours?"

Suddenly a slipstream
lifts me to her side...

and I understand.

[MichaelFirewalker]

O this is good!----excellent metaphysics, my friend----love the gentleness, love the slipstream's lift----nice...

1. S1-L3----can you do without "seems"?

2. S4-L1----would it feel more precise with a hyphen after run-?

3. here's what you wrote:

"Suddenly lifted
by a slipstream,
I fly beside her...

and understand."

and here's another, maybe stronger, option?

suddenly lifted
to her side
by a slipstream,

I understand


love,
michael

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Thank you for the suggestions, Michael.

[Sherry Thrasher]

Join,
You have such a beautifully honest tone to your poetry. You usually provide me with a bit of enlightenment, an ah ha moment. Only mere suggestions to consider. Let's touch base soon. OK?

Sherry


A single starling dutifully wings
her way through the downpour.
Her destination is somewhat
up in the air

yet she flies purposefully.
Water flows through her feathers,
recycling her resolve.

I realize (We) are related-
cousins once removed,
and in a flash
I am flooded with tears.

She flies, I run-
to what end?

Looking down on me
she smiles.
"I am simply following
my flight plan," she says.
"What is yours?"

Suddenly a slipstream
lifts me to her side...

and I understand.

[Tina (Firefly)]

You know that I feel such a kinship to birds. They seem to carry my emotions as they fly..I often look into their eyes and see the world as it is meant to be seen. It makes me cry..with both joy and sorrow. Jon, you capture this and more in this piece. I do think some of Sherry's editing would work here, but the intention of the love and grace flows beautifully as it is. Tina

[mfwilkie]

Jon,

A single starling dutifully wings
her its way through the a downpour
Her its destination is seems somewhat
up in the air

Jon, you might consider moving the second line and making it your opening.


Water flows through over its feathers,
recycling her confirming resolve,
confirming yet she flies a flight of purposefully.

I took out the reference to 'she/her' because I'm not sure you can determine the sex of a starling in flight.

I think your draft works better with intent without the her/she.

www.starlingtalk.com/gender.htm

Here are some links to check out the science of feathers.
I'm pretty sure water doesn't fall through them.

Had these thoughts myself.

Mags

www.islamicity.com/Science/QuranAndScience/creation/GeneratedFilesnoframe/TheDesignInBirdFeathers.htm

Anatomy and Natural History Feathers
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A bird's feathers provide the bird with protection from rain, cold, and heat. A robin or a chicken in a rainstorm will stand with wings and tail drooping to the ground. The water simply slides off without soaking through. On a cold winter day the bird fluffs out its feathers. In hot weather it flattens the feathers close to its body. When they are fluffed out they hold a layer…

[LynnDoiron]

I like the intent and content of your poem, jon. And I like the lines maggie reworked without the gender reference. It does read stronger. For me, anyway.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Fine edits with such a great result, Jon. I like this a lot. Ron

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Thank you Sherry and Maggie for your thoughtful edits and for taking the time, Maggie to educate me in regards to avian anatomy. Appreciate you both.

And, should I ever forget to thank my other friends, Tee-Tee, Lynnie, and the Hawk, then please burn my pen.

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

So now your talking to birds? I like all of it but think this line could be improved:

destination somewhat
up in the air;

Nice write.

Thanks

[LynnDoiron]

I like this jon. Guess I said so before, but you know me, the meddler, and you know also to ignore suggestions that fail to fit your needs. Actually, my suggestions are only re: this stanza

yet she flies purposefully.
Water flows over feathers,
but doesn't dampen her resolve.

when I change out L1 above to "yet she flies with purpose" the line, for me, reads less "illy" which translates, again, for me, to something too closely akin to "silly"

the other line I have a problem with, visually, in my imagination, is the "Water flows over feathers" -- Again, just me most likely, but I see this bird under a faucet turned wide open, or braced against a stream's current or river's -- a literal flow of water. But I don't have a suggestion for how to alter and get the same intent of feathers shedding heavy rain and the bird moving through it.

That's all, oh, and my thanks again for sharing this.

lynn

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Thank you Leo and Lynn.
Leo-you're right in your assessment of those lines....too cute for the message of the poem.

Lynn- thanks for your suggestions......I understood your thrust, and have incorporated them.

[antman]

Awesome as usual Jon, you know that
I love your work and enjoy the gift you
share with us all.

peace,
anthony

[ramadevi]

Ditto what Anthony said!

Namaste dear friend. I rejoice to reconnect and read here again.

You've made good edits, so no new suggestions. Just pure appreciation.

Love, rd

[LynnDoiron]

Good to read this again. How goes the book?

[mfwilkie]

I really like your edits, jon, but I'm still out there on a limb on using 'her'.

I honestly think the poem reads stronger with 'its' for 'her'.

Mags