Black Rain Falling

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Black Rain Falling

I faced east where day had broken earlier
scattering shrapnel
and fragments of light illuminating March winds
sweeping up from Old Mexico.

The northern blue
still bears marks of ghost white contrails
          writings in a language,
neither hawk nor crow can understand.

To the west an Oklahoma sun
is burying its fire behind tall trees that block
out New Mexico, Nevada, California
          and the Pacific Ocean.

South, ahead of me, well into Texas,
the black hangs like funeral parlor drapes
          rain is coming mixed in a swirling roil
of smoke grey clouds.

And soon I will collide with water and darkness
          black rain washing the world,
washing over me in a torrential downpour,
enveloping me within its breath
until I emerge shining
looking east again.

[LynnDoiron]

My friend, you seem to be working toward that hopeful dawn as well. Clouds do clear. We know it. It just gets so heavy sometimes before the world turns that smidge and the horizon lights up again. I think the poem is great.

These thoughts are just ideas for you to twirl and then let go or use as you see fit. Just ideas.


I faced east where day had broken earlier,
shrapnel scattering
and fragments of light shot through March winds
swept up from Old Mexico.

The northern blue
still bears marks of ghost white contrails,
writings in a language
neither hawk nor crow can understand.

To the west an Oklahoma sun
buries its fire behind tall trees that [block
out New Mexico, Nevada, California
and the Pacific Ocean.] ron, i'm not sure about the bracketed part; i feel like there's something more important than place names beyond those trees; just me; might see it differently tomorrow

South, ahead of me, well into Texas,
the black hangs like funeral drapes --
rain is coming.

And soon I will collide with water and darkness
black rain washing the world,
washing over me in a torrential downpour,
enveloping me within its breath
until I emerge shining
looking east again.

[ron, early on I changed up some words to eliminate the some of the gerunds there so that these in the end could do their -ing thing . . . if you know what I mean . . . Love the poem.

[pelos]

Ron, simply love this poem - it gave me a sense of how powerful and fast
the elements are of the sky. I like lynns thoughts on the first stanza and
'buries' rahter than 'burying' the tougue gets all quirky over it. As for her
thoughts on simplifying 'rain is coming' nah - I like the imagery of the the whole -
though i might consider taking out 'mixed' - tightens it up and gives it more
energy. Great read, loves it. pelos

[mfwilkie]

I disagree with Lynn on changing the opening stanza, Ron, but I think she's dead on about changing 'burying' to buries and her reason for dropping the states' names.

I also agree with her suggestion to nix:

'mixed in a swirling roil
of smoke grey clouds.

Read out loud, those changes make a stronger poem.

Nice writing; I could hear you.

Maggie

[MichaelFirewalker]

annual metamorphosis, from death to rebirth, from darkness into light, and the long, deep cleansing in the seasonal sanctification performed by the four elements of earth, water, air, and fire----your voice is powerful in this one, Ron----I, too, can hear it... without any need for sound...

michael

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Love the direction this poem takes, and the geographic overtones. The rain, although black, is sanctifying; baptizing you in a sense..emphasizing in some way the cyclical nature of life....echoed by the four compass points.

I liked the shrapnel of the broken day........very cool.
I was also impacted by the feeling of rebirth, for to me, that is the quintessence of the poem.

Well done, Ron........well done.

[Nan]

Ron, I'm unsure if you made changes to the opening stanza, but I love it. This poem also gave me a feeling of renewal. Lovely, just lovely.

[Vasile Baghiu]

I simply like this poem, Ron, especially this passage: "writings in a language,/ neither hawk nor crow can understand." Good to read one other piece of you.
Vasile