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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Mar 17, 2008 1:35:23 GMT -5
There is a madman who sits in a wooden booth
across from ducks who wade on a gray-green pond.
The sign outside reads Order Crushed Pearls Here.
He calls to the little children in rainbow shirts and polka dot skirts,
offers a 50% discount on everything they cannot see,
tells a blond girl with wheel rim eyes,
“In Persia there was a revolution once, but unlike now,
God won. And to this day a fire burns so the universe will tip toward good.”
The little girl, so excited, skips home and stuffs in three pieces of rhubarb pie.
Then, after her fifth glass of cold milk, she proclaims,
to Mommy, Daddy and to her brother John,
“Did you hear about the ancient one?
He lit a fire thousands of years ago, so that we may go on.”
Her Mommy reaches over and strokes her soft cheek and says,
“No more pie for you my eccentric one.”
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Post by LynnDoiron on Mar 17, 2008 8:42:36 GMT -5
I love the simple punch of the opening line, Leo. Perfect.
I would biff gray-green in L2 and just stay with that clean simplicity of story telling.
L3 does that, wouldn't change a thing there.
L4 is splendid, alive, and the rainbow and polk dot modifiers ---> wonderful
L5 -- hmm -- first read didn't bother me; second read, it chills, is scary, hints of child molester maybe; or this close examination of lines makes me read things not there -- dunno.
L6, maybe replace end comma with a colon (but not hugely necessary, just a thought)
L7 okay; L8 okay --- I like these lines, the idea of the universe tipping toward good -- yes.
L8, I might simplify this line, let scampers be the verb it is and remove the "tell" of so excited; would also use "eats" for stuffs in -- keeping the anecdote simple as you do in L1.
No comments for change on the last five lines; I like "soft" cheek.
lynn
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Mar 17, 2008 14:42:57 GMT -5
agree with lynn re L1 and L2...
love L3, and the crushed pearls----he crushes what God already perfect, and sells it, knowing his customers will want to know what it was made of, and think they will be able to make pearls themselves with the powder from them...
L4----he preys on innocence, ignorance----and he sells false hope----today in the middle east, all hope has long been proven false, a lie----death and hate are the only reality...
L5----he offers a discount on that which he knows he will never have to sell, because his customers can't see it, or know it's even there to buy...
L6,7,8----the set-up for the victim's fall
L9, 10, 11, 12, 13----the victim swallows the hook
L14----the mother deftly removes it----and the horror is that for them, this is, at this time, the right thing to do-----the only way they have to survive is to be savvier than the other guy, keep their cards tight to their chests, stay down and silent...
great poem, Leo
michael
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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Mar 21, 2008 14:01:39 GMT -5
Final draft, I think.
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Post by LynnDoiron on Mar 21, 2008 14:50:43 GMT -5
wad? or wade
brown wheel rim -- I like wheel rim eyes -- wow factor in that! but the brown is one too many modifiers and does nothing for this reader but take away from the Wow.
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