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Post by LynnDoiron on Mar 18, 2008 12:58:18 GMT -5
We don’t hear much
about the golden fork
they wield to score
the moon,
or how they hide
the left lunar side
behind the right
when they break
the moon
in two.
or how
the crumbs arc out
to scratch night’s eye
in a flash – gone
before they came.
No
they don’t talk
about the fork,
just the dish
and spoon.
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Mar 18, 2008 13:50:54 GMT -5
This reads like an astronomer's sophisticated, phantasmagorical nursery tale...an interesting lunar twist if there ever was one.
I love S4- yet think that the omission of "of atmosphere" makes it clearer and smoother. Knowing you, there is definitely a purpose for those words....and I see what you're saying...but find it hard to visualize atmosphere being scratched from the night's eye.
Just my take (the little dog laughing)
Unique piece.
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Mar 18, 2008 14:29:56 GMT -5
I love it, Lynn. Great metaphorical piece.
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Mar 18, 2008 15:16:31 GMT -5
and such a tasty title too!
michael
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Post by LynnDoiron on Mar 18, 2008 16:46:22 GMT -5
Thanks, all. I removed "of atmosphere" and left a space break as suggested on another site. Two calls on the same bump must make it a bump indeed. Thanks again.
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Mar 19, 2008 18:38:46 GMT -5
The opening stanza hooks the reader from the start and won't let him go. I missed the original, but this is well crafted and flawless in its rhythm now. Excellent. Ron
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