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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Mar 18, 2008 14:13:01 GMT -5
Old Man Winter
Winter is nasty in his dying throes,
an old curmudgeon strung beyond his years,
expelling winds, like curses, as he blows
a burning freeze on pink, beleaguered ears.
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Mar 18, 2008 15:14:35 GMT -5
very visual!----like the pink frozen ears----and the amusingly flatulant, anthropomorphic winter...
I suppose you're counting syllables, and that rules, but I like the sound of L1 better as "Nasty winter turns his dying throes,"
and how about trying L4 as "a frozen burn on pink, unready ears." both for sound and for tightness?
hugs,
michael
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Mar 18, 2008 18:53:11 GMT -5
Thank you, Michael. While I like my first line en toto, I love your suggestion on the last one, so I'm lifting it.  |
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Post by mfwilkie on Mar 19, 2008 0:34:15 GMT -5
unready ears?
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Mar 19, 2008 6:35:27 GMT -5
Kind of a Wilburesque reference, Mags. I had "uncovered" there before.
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Post by mfwilkie on Mar 19, 2008 9:28:51 GMT -5
The poem speaks to winter's 'dying throes', would the ears be 'unready', D?
What about beleaguered, mon ami?
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Mar 19, 2008 10:28:18 GMT -5
I like it, Mags. Thanks.
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