Notes Out of Columbia

[LynnDoiron]

A toothless man who told me
I couldn’t park where I parked
was nice. The van was white;
the flatland brown as we passed
en route to Atlanta. Up and
down in lean, low rises.
A faded sign with letters blocked
in a flat, flat field of graves
with plastic geraniums stiff
and roses erect and up
out of every site. Sign read:
Recording studio coming soon.
Clean restrooms and $2.22
for regular; argyle sweaters
on arguing grandmas. All this
Georgia bound on 78; it was
chaos/delight/vexation
gift-boxed in white.

[mfwilkie]

Just a thought, chicky.

A toothless man who told me
I couldn’t park where I parked
was nice. The van was white;
the flatland passed on hwy 78
out of Charleston en route to
Atlanta was brown, and came up
and went down in lean, low rises.

Mugs

[LynnDoiron]

I made a lot of changes; the passes was awkward; thanks

[MichaelFirewalker]

had trouble reading this one, which surprised me, so read it again, and it was clearer, then read it a third time, and it was the same----think it's because of the enjambment you used throughout----so maybe you intended for the reader to struggle a bit? considering that you are writing about chaos and vexation, after all...

michael