Old Songs (edit)

[antman]

hidden timber moan
below the high sierra
dowsing arcane hymns
the gray wolf forgot

a solemn meadow streams
of airy undulations along-side
bison unshorn and majestic
ruminating in long repose

drawn out a laughing rill
sets free of heaven’s melt
with unexpected beauty
it purges mind and thought

of a coarse mocking wind



antman
03:21:08

[Nan]

Antman, I really like this poem. You have a lot of great lines, imagery and personfication. I just LOVE the opening and ending lines. The poem works well with or without punctuation. I don't think you need the word, "joyous" in the third stanza. Even, if it remains, the poem is excellent.

Nan

[antman]

Thanks Nan for your time and suggestion
I agree that joyous should be changed.

peace and love,
anthony

[mfwilkie]

I love your opening stanza, Anthony.

hidden timber moan
below the high sierra
dowsing arcane hymns
the gray wolf forgot

But the rest, while good, doesn't have quite the clarity and exceptional use of language the first stanza has.

Maggie

[LynnDoiron]

I had the same experience as maggie; the first stanza is rich and clear; the second one loses me, I think it's the odd shaping of the grammar. Maybe tweak a little:

a meadow's solemn streams
of airy undulations where
unshorn majestic bison
ruminate in long repose

drawn out the laughing rill [stream just used above so maybe change]
set free from heaven’s melt
with unexpected beauty
purges mind and thought

[the last line i didn't know how to connect or what its purpose was to the poem -- sorry]

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Ant, I really like the images you've worked this poem with and I think I get the last line completely. Our voices are vastly different so I always hesitate to offer changes. Your voice should be dominant. I offer ideas which most likely don't fit what you want so feel free to chunk them straight away. I honestly like this poem a lot. Ron

hidden timber moan
below the high sierra
dowsing arcane hymns
the gray wolf has forgotten

a meadow solemn streams
of airy undulations where
bison unshorn and majestic
ruminate in long repose ruminate

drawn out a laughing stream
sets free from heaven’s melt
with unexpected beauty
it purging bewildered thought

of a coarse wind mocking

[MichaelFirewalker]

this is very cool----what isn't clear may be due to line placement----I'm going to change some words and some line placement in the last two verses, according to how I am hearing what I think you are saying----let me know what you think?

a meadow solemn streams
of [its] airy undulations where
bison unshorn and majestic
ruminate
in long repose
they ruminate

drawn out
[as] a laughing rill
sets free from heaven’s melt
with unexpected beauty
it [and] purges [the]mind and thought

of a coarse [and mocking] wind mocking


love,
michael

[antman]

Thank you Maggie, lynn, Ron and Michael
for you attention and insight to my work
you all are appreciated for your professionalism
and attention to detail. Much of what you' ve
opened my eye and ear to make total sense.
I too struggled to get something out from the
first stanza and had thoughts of working around it
and use it as a coda instead.
Thanks once again for your time and
advise.

peace and love to you all,
anthony

[mfwilkie]

Anthony, Can you re-post your original under the edits?

Thanks,

Maggie

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

For me, the personification is what carries the poem, Ant...carries it along with the rill liberated from its frozen state, singing a song of joy. The scene painted is one of serenity.

I like some of Ron's suggestions.