The Animus Monologues - Sonnets of a new vampire

[animus]

Birthmark

the light of day was too bright for my eyes
the passing of the wonder was too short
promise of heavenly bliss was all lies
with the new dusk rising I shall retort

gone now forever is the job of life
inept and shallow and full of satire
replaced by the lust of eternal strife
and fueled with the blood of immortal fire

my birth will bear the joy of countless deaths
none wasted as they would have been without
the lustration of each soul and last breath
sway the once apathetic to devout

this moment rapt with ambition and rage
liberal soul leapt from despotic cage

[animus]

impedimenta

new ageless eye regards the ennui
the last refuse left of old condition
burns acrid ghosts and leaves nothing on me
time now my demoniac rendition

wasted time and endeavor lie erased
guilty apologia is abscess
longing now the maiden subject to taste
the inamorata adulteress

wed to me the devoid space of outcast
commuted by murder and prurience
her cheer to her lover dazzled, aghast
sobbing to me; rectify complacence

I am Animus! I will heal your pride
bid me unto death listless blood bride

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hi Animus-

Having just completed a 219 sonnet book called the Vampire Sonnets, I decided I was qualified enough to address this duo of poems.

While I do think you follow the shadow-mood of the vampire, I was very distracted by the loose meter of it, which in my opinion needs to be more closely adhered to if you're using such an established form. I think, in a way, if you're proposing this as a continuation, you have to do a lot of the legwork for the reader by coddling the flow without so many hitches, which will sludge the reader's progress.

You have the imagination and tone down, but I would suggest paying homage to the metrical delight of the subtle cadence of iambic pentameter.

[MichaelFirewalker]

immortality, not Divine,
now leaves you but a little time.
ignore the lessons of the past,
new kingdoms built will never last.


michael

[animus]

Thanks for the input... but could you give me an example of some of my hitches? And is there a name for a sonnet that does not conform to the normal meter? It's one of the things I like about the way I write sonnets, and I have done it for a long time... It drove my teachers crazy lol. It has that free-verse feel to it, but it is still structured in IP.

I am glad you read this... I developed the character last night (Having not written anything for a long time) and I had this great name for the series; I was going to call it "The Vampire Sonnets"... until I Googled the name and found you But that helped me find my characters' name at least.
Thanks again

[mfwilkie]

Hi Animus,

Interesting, but mostly telling.

No 'biting' images (pardon the pun).

I didn't get the feeling that this was verse libre when I was reading it.

If you haven't already, I'd suggest reading this out loud so you can hear where the meter warps the read.

And your vampire sounds way to arrogant for someone just turned.

Like here: I will heal your pride
And here: my birth will bear the joy of countless deaths

You might try looking up some Modern sonnets which vary in their construction from the more traditional forms.

One other thought: you might try writing this in varying line lengths and loose the rhyme, developing the draft's imagery
all the way.

I agree with David in that the tone has potential, but it lacks energy for me.

Maggie

[sandpiper]

Hi animus,
welcome...

I agree with the above comments on this one.
I love the idea, and a grand undertaking, as we've seen David go through his, and how much work that took.

I think the main hitch for me is in line with David's. In your comments you're using IP throughout, but you're really not. You've pushed the stresses to fit ip, but it's mostly just 10 syllables per line, without the correct stresses for IP.
an example of that would be condition and rendition. The stresses of these would normally fall on the "i" you've got them falling on the 1st and third syllables to fit the meter. You would want to rewrite those lines to have them be 11 syllables per line there and have the stress fall in the correct place.

Now, on the other hand IF you wanted to keep your free form feel to it, then I would suggest rewriting from the very first two lines and making sure they in no way resemble IP, which they do now. (they can still be 10 syllables long) That way you're not enticing your reader into expecting the ip, they know from the get go it's going to be a "different" kind of sonnet, and the reader won't be struggling when it doesn't fit.

I would suggest trying two different versions of each. 1 where you're adhering more to the strict IP, and two where you've taken it out completely. and maybe posting those and getting comments on which works better.

I agree with Maggie on it needing stronger images, a good example there would be the first line, "the light of day was too bright for my eyes." That's a line that could be written so much stronger and clearer by making us feel the pain of the light being too bright. what did the light do that made it too bright?

Now, it's possible that because we've seen so many wonderful vampire sonnets here written in strict IP that we're a bit spoiled, and had you posted these prior to us seeing those we might not be critiquing so much, but I actually think I would have had the same critique then. The IP being the main thing, to decide to tighten it or lose it and then strengthen the images.

Hope this helps, welcome again, and I look forward to reading more.

-piper

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Piper, as always, manages to express it better than I, but...what she said.

Meter, as I'm sure you know, is more than just a basic syllable count, and if you lavish the reader with the expectation of IP early, unorthodox variations are going to distract the reader from the story, which is the last thing you want.

In your explanation, you intimate that you like the freer verse style, so if that's the case, you may consider completely dropping the traditional sonnet format in favor of something more contemporary. Maggie can help you find some good examples of this.

I also agree that elevating the language would improve the read, and using Piper's line example, "the light of day was too bright for my eyes", you could use "the light of day was poison (or toxic or acid) to (or in) my eyes" or something along those lines.

[animus]

Wow, this is great advice everyone! Thank you so much for your help. I will definitely try to work on the meter a bit more.

As far as the imagery however, in his defense Animus is not your normal vampire. He was just a regular guy who woke up one evening and found that he had been turned without his knowledge.

He knows what he is however and is quite the megalomaniac now that he has these abilities. He is looking forward to enjoying his vampirism.

He viewed his mortal life with frustration and boredom, so in the first quatrain of Birthmark, it is not the actual light of day that he is thinking of, but rather the promise of achievement and a fruitful life. He wanted more in his life, but knew that money, family, or any of the other things that go with a normal life would never fulfill him. He would never be content, and he had accepted it.

His lover symbolized his empty life to him, so he was able to rationalize killing her as his first victim as a favor to her by "giving her life meaning"... This will be in the third installment which I will post later today.

Animus is less like your typical vampire, and more like a super villain, somewhat like Magneto (From the X-Men for those who don't know), or the Joker (from Batman). Animus is what I would call a "self-supremacist", drunk on his new powers and his ambitions to fulfill what had been missing. He does not wish to find a companion (at least not yet), and there are no contradictions between what he views as morally right, and whatever urges strike him at any particular moment. For him, the normal rules no longer apply.

The point is... Will his new self, and his new (lack of) morality ultimately make him happy?

I hope this clarifies the intent and the "arrogance" of Animus. I think that is what makes him interesting for me. At this stage he just wants to burn the world down just for the satisfaction of finally leaving his mark upon it.

Thanks again everyone for the great advice! Keep checking back, there will be more to follow soon.

[animus]

inamorata

my suspicious lover, I have ripened
long absent and tactless with my respite
a debt owed for forgiveness, no stipend
paid in full to whet my black appetite

softness; your grasp, imbued in scent of red
emotion is the loss that you don't sense
deliberate love and confusion shed
lech is now my only required defense

yours is skin as taut and firm as the snake
but easily split to elicit gore
conciousness falling, passion is awake
flood of rhapsody, dynamic galore

your virtue extinguished, what a life stands
crucial you became, now barren your plans

[mfwilkie]

Animus,

If you're going to write a tale of one vamp or a dozen vamps, the vamp-loving crowd
wants their vamp facts to be in order, that means believable.

I haven't read anywhere where someone can be turned without knowing it?

Maggie