Willow (Title Change and 1st edit Thank you Lynn)

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

1st Edit

I stand straight, yet bend
like a ballerina at the barre.
Cold does not affect me much;
not as much as imagined stagnancy-
(growth is inextricably intertwined
with my roots.)
Patience runs in my sap,
but so slowly.

It's lonely-
even though I'm surrounded
by like-minded sorts;
in fact, we occasionally touch.
But I've hibernated since December
and harbor an incessant yearning
to bloom...



Original

Sowillowquoy

I stand straight, yet bend gracefully,
like a ballerina at the barre.
Cold does not affect me as much
as imagined stagnancy-
(growth is inextricably intertwined
with my nature.)
Patience, I tell myself. It's been lonely,
even though I'm surrounded
by like-minded sorts;
in fact, we touch occasionally.
But I've hibernated since December
and harbor an incessant yearning
for bloom...

when I break into bud
and dance with the wind.

[Tina (Firefly)]

This is SO you, Jon! Every line makes me smile and feel as if you are standing right next to me. I particularly like : But I've hibernated since December and harbor an incessant yearning for bloom.. (me too, darling). The final two lines are the only place which don't seem quite as fulfilling to me. The intention is right on, of course, but I think those lines, as they are, may be a little too concrete as compared to the lyrical movement of the rest of the piece. I trust you'll think on this and either take it or leave it. Wonderful work. Tina

[sandpiper]

I do like this one very much Jon.

I agree with Tina on the final two lines, but I'm not sure what to suggest there, as I like the break into bud, but not necessarily with the dance with the wind.

for the beginning though, here's my little tweaks, to take or leave of course, as always...

I stand straight, yet bend gracefully bend,
like a ballerina at the barre.
Cold does not affect me as much
as much as imagined stagnancy-
(growth is inextricably intertwined
with my nature.)
Patience, I tell myself. It's been lonely,
even though I'm surrounded
by like-minded sorts;
in fact, we touch occasionally.
But I've hibernated since December
and harbor an incessant yearning
for bloom...

When I break into bud


very nice feeling to this one, and the emotions come through loud and clear.
-piper

[Marion Poirier]

I like this piece very much, Jon. I often feel the same way.
I know you feel strongly about the ending lines and
they are good except I'd change it slightly either keep
the ellipses or use a dash. My thinking is that the last
two lines are part of the yearning.

But I've hibernated since December
and harbor an incessant yearning
for bloom -

to break into bud
and dance with the wind.

I'd change the title to Soliloquy as I think the present title
is a bit too clever - my conservative opinion.
Marion

[alfredo]

How about:

to burst
from bud to bloom
and dance the wind.


PS it is a super poem

[Sherry Thrasher]

Spring certainly stirs the inner rumblings a bit. I've been feeling like I've been hibernating from writing for much too long. I failed to mention your poem and how much I like it. Personally, I prefer Alfredo's ending. Now, if we can just get above fifty degrees and stay there. Lets talk again soon.

Sherry

[LynnDoiron]

I agree with marion on the title; reading "Sowillowquoy" I expect Elmer Fudd and Bugs B. or Daffy D. funny stuff -- not the thoughtful and "thinking" poem that you've written. I would title "Willow" and thus establish the voice of the poem as the tree.

Will give this one some more thought, my friend. I think your end lines are very close, just as they are . . . the final line just needs freshening. lynnie

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Big thank yous to Tina, piper, Marion, alfredo, Sherry, and Lynn.
This still needs some editing, and Lynn gave me some additional suggestions via pm. I will post the original and some edits later.
You are all very kind........Thank you again.

[MichaelFirewalker]

the final lines are first person active tense----to me, they seem just right for our Jon-the-Green-Man, who literally bursts into leaf and bloom at the slightest touch of Divine upon his joyously fruitful soul----Jon lives in the ever present now, and is always here with us, and somehow, also, always not...

michael

[Marion Poirier]

I like the changes, Jon. I think the last line tells
it all - without the details. Good choices.
You identify so closely with the willow
that you become the tree in this poem.
Excellent!
Marion

[Sherry Thrasher]

I like the title, Jon.

[LynnDoiron]

I was wondering about for bloom vs. to bloom. "for bloom," sort of makes the "I" voice waiting for an outside element to arrive, whereas "to bloom" seems, maybe, coming from a more internal place . . . just a thought.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Good changes, Jon, and I especially like the title change. As clever as it was, I also thought it was going to be a whimsical piece a la loony tunes.

I also like Lynn's thought.

[Tina (Firefly)]

J., you've made it perfection. Great editing..great poem. T.

[kayrawls]

Usually there's a larger leap from "good" to "excellent," but here you've done it so smoothly, Jon, and with so few changes...great editing, indeed! Love it now.

Kay

[mfwilkie]

Nice edits, jon, very nice edit.

Mags

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

I would like to thank Michael, Marion, Sherry, David, Tina, Kay, Maggie, and once again, Lynn, without whom this poem would not be as it now is...........
Thanks to all for your generosity of time and thought.

[mfwilkie]

Stopped by to read again, and let you know the assonance in this section of the poem is terrific, jon.

Especially the slowly to lonely.

Cold does not affect me much;
not as much as imagined stagnancy-
(growth is inextricably intertwined
with my roots.)
Patience runs in my sap,
but so slowly.

It's lonely-
even though I'm surrounded
by like-minded sorts;

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

As the eighteenth caller to this poem, I will first say it is a fine poem. But, I think the lines could be reordered to improve the poems drama. Since this is a self portrait poem you can't have enough drama in my opinion (I mean that in a macro sense ha ha)...I also tried to weave the metaphors together to add omph...

I am the ballerina at the barre,
Stand straight, then bend.
The frost is not cold,
Only standing freezes my bones
I imagine such—
For growth is inextricably intertwined
with my roots.

Even though I'm surrounded
by like-minded sorts;
whom I occasionally touch.
I stand one in the crowd,
One in the cave—
hibernated since December
and now, I nurture
an incessant yearning to bloom.

Nice poem.

Leo

[mfwilkie]

Jon,

What if you took advantage of the language of ballet, and re-ordered your opening something like:

Like a danseur a la barre,
I stand en point, ready to bend
with the capriciousness of the wind—
Cold does not affect me as much
as imagined stagnancy-
(growth is inextricably intertwined
with my roots.)
Patience runs through my sap,
but oh so slowly.

It's lonely-

You'd have to tighen it up a bit to fit the sonnet form.

Maybe another word for growth: movement?

Mags

[ramadevi]

It is with joy i return to find this polished and perfected poem that certainly brings your presence as if right here in the room.I love the closing...and every line preceding it. Now it is perfect...please do not change another word.

Kudos and NAMASTE
rama devi

[Nan]

I echo Rama devi's words. This poem is perfect as is. I love the extended metaphor. I love the last line as well-- yearning to bloom (Wow).

I hope all is well, Jon.

nan