Self-destruction (ver 2)

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

I remember when
the fat chested goldfish
jumped from her bowl,
looked up and said,

“It’s better this way.
So tired of everyone staring at me,
having to wait to be fed,
and no one ever offers open sea.”

[Sherry Thrasher]

Sir, you do have quite a range in poetry. I've meddled a bit and would offer the Atlantic if I could.

I remember when
the fat goldfish (who) jumped from his bowl,
looked up and said,

“It’s better this way.
(I'm) so tired of everyone staring at me,
(of) having to wait to be fed,
and no one ever offers open sea.”

[sandpiper]

aw, the little guy needs to be careful what it is he's sad about not being offered, saltwater generally being toxic to a goldfish and all...
I like Sherrys suggestions, I'm not so sure you need the "I'm" though...
-piper

[Sherry Thrasher]

Piper, I see that I'm could be left out there as well. My mind wanders to Dr Seuss and "red fish, blue fish" and to this poor little suicidal orange fish. Still, it appears that there are bigger fish to fry. He had a good life. I'd be more inclined to feel sad for him if he were not a fat little goldfish. He may possibly only be high maintenance.

Sorry for swimming away in thought, Leo.

[Marion Poirier]

Leo, Kinda funny in a sad way. M

I remember when
the fat sad goldfish jumped from his bowl,
looked up and said,

“It’s better this way.
So tired of everyone staring at me,
having to waiting to be feed fed,
and no one ever offers open sea.”

[LynnDoiron]

I like what you have here, Leo. "feed" needs to be "fed" -- but other than that, smart little poem. Just me, but fat works better in opening S because it keeps pov as that of the observor and lets the sad part come in S2 with what observor hears from fish. Piper might have a point about open sea; open waters, maybe?

I like it.

[MichaelFirewalker]

think the whole poem depends on this person Leo is remembering...

it is a gut-punch poem, Leo, and it worked...

respectfully,
michael

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Leo, I LOVE this one. It actually spans a range of emotions, at least to me, and I think it would be a shame to nix "fat-chested". I so love the appropriateness of it. Oh, there should be a dash between fat and chested, though, as above.

Great one.

[alfredo]

Hi Leo this is very very different ..............cool

Consider:

"and no one ever offers me the sea.”

[mfwilkie]

Leo,

I love your fat-chested goldfish.

Here's a thought for the last line of the second stanza; I think the tone is of the existing one is significantly different from the rest of the piece.

I remember when
the fat-chested goldfish
jumped from her bowl,
looked up and said,

“It’s better this way.
So tired of everyone staring at me,
having to wait to be fed.
No one ever thought of offering

the open sea...”

Mags

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

I like this almost as it is....I agree that fat-chested needs the hyphen, (as per David.)
And considering piper's comment, might think of changing the last line to either

"and no one ever offers open waters" or
"and no one ever offers deeper waters"

Just a thought, Leo. I like the poem.