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Post by wavemaker9 (Rick D.) on Dec 6, 2007 10:33:36 GMT -5
Her latest visit
met with skilled
empathy.
The body shop
knew well
the repair
to be.
The front left fender,
a redone dent…
see.
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Dec 6, 2007 10:56:32 GMT -5
You and the English language is such a fine wedding.
What about....
"Her latest visit
earned rehearsed
response.
The body shop
knew the repair
to be
the left front fender,
a redone dent...
see?"
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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Dec 6, 2007 11:59:21 GMT -5
Rick... Met a few like this myself. A few bumps...to me, plain and simple works better here;
Her latest visit
met with skillful
empathy.
The body shop
knew what it was,
the left front fender,
a re-done dent…
see.
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Post by ramadevi on Dec 6, 2007 12:24:46 GMT -5
Always a fun treat to read you.
I like Leo's suggestions best.
Jon's idea is also okay...but i do not want to be redundant.
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aliciadon
EP Gold 1000 Posts Plus
Posts: 1,084
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Post by aliciadon on Dec 6, 2007 14:25:17 GMT -5
Boy, I enjoyed that. Especially the "see"---inspired, and perfect for the tone of the poem.
Lynne
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Dec 6, 2007 16:09:28 GMT -5
Hi Rick-
Personally, I like the original for the triple rhyme that serves as a good adhesion, but both other comments would work as well.
Great play on words, as always. Love your mind.
David
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Post by sleepsw/bear(Rick Stansberger) on Dec 17, 2007 0:11:44 GMT -5
Ga-roan! Re-done dent see! Lovely.
Rick
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