Encounter with a Raven

[alfredo]

His etched black silhouette
against the blue.
That deep mournful
“I’m lost” cry.
Circling slowly;
sharp eyed, penetrating;
a deathly swoop.

He stood off the ground,
fearless, sharp,
majestic, vampire-black.
Stepping forward
untroubled;
balanced, poised,
samurai-sharp beak
pointing upward, confident,
menacing dark,
foreboding.

That eerie arresting
“I’m hurt”, soulful cry again.
His eyes turned to mine
Ebony wings swept outwards
and up, then down.
He was gone,
my glittering summers under
one wing and under the other,
everything that was fun;
‘till I woke - but things
…have never been the same.

FINNISH FOLKLORE: While the raven is seen as a bird of ill omen, it is said that below its wing is a feather of fortune. If a trapper can find it, he is rewarded by a bountiful catch.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

I like the description of the raven......many good modifiers and "samurai-sharp" is great.

I might eliminate "big baby" in L4. "I'm lost" cry is sufficient for this reader. Bumped by big baby.

Nice piece of poetry, Alfredo.

[alfredo]

Thanks Jonathon..."big baby " gone .......on the wing

[sleepsw/bear(Rick Stansberger)]

Reminds me of Dh, Lawrence's poem, "the Snake," about an encounter with another creature. it has that same kindof eerie, awed feeling. Enjoyed this poem.

Rick

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I like he tone and sound of the work, Al. What about adding the simple word {His} to start line one and make it balance more with the "he" and "his" of the following stanzas. Ron

[alfredo]

I quite like the changes suggested and made

[Marion Poirier]

Alfredo, this is a good poem; however, you have
redundancies in your modifiers.
For instance you've repeated black, sharp, as
well as synonyms of other modifiers. There are
many dangling participles, though a few are OK,
too many weaken the lines.
This is only from first observations- I did
not cover all nit-picks-but I think it has potential
to be a fine work with thoughtful revision.
Happy Holidays,
Marion
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
His etched black silhouette
against the blue (not a complete sentence)
That echoed a deep, comma mournful
“I’m lost” cry.
He circled slowly;
sharp-eyed in a penetrating,
deathly swoop.

He stood off the ground,
Hovering, fearless, sharp,
majestic, vampire-black "
he and advanced
moved forward
untroubled;
balanced, poised-dash
samurai-sharp beak
pointing upward- confident,
menacing dark,
foreboding.

the eerie arresting
“I’m hurt”, soulful cry again.
His eyes turned to mine. period

Ebony wings swept outwards
and up, then down.
He was gone - dash
my glittering summers spent under
one wing and under the other,
everything that was fun-dash
‘till I woke. - but things
…have never been the same

[Ken_Nye]

Hi, Alfredo. I like poems like this. But I think it's important that the reader understand why this encounter with the raven was meaningful to you. You begin to share that importance in the last stanza with the glittering summers and everything that was fun as being carried off by the raven, but the relationship between those glittering summers and fun things is not clear. And so the raven remains for me just a raven. (But keep in mind that I am very dense when it comes to understanding poetry.)

Ken

[alfredo]

Tis' nothing more than whimpsy

[mfwilkie]

Sorry I missed this, 'fredo.

I like the way you expressed the myth.

I just read 'Snake', and Rick, you're right.

I'm going to post it as Today's Poem so folks can get a sense of what you mean.

Be back with some thoughts after a few more reads of your draft.

Maggie