|
Post by Laura Stone on Dec 16, 2007 21:34:09 GMT -5
When You Fly Away (edits)
“It’s stage 2, breast cancer...”
She came in November, found in the narrow crack that ran along the footpath to your front door; you took her in, kept her safe from winter’s breath, fed her; while you watched, she grew.
You didn’t notice at first; you were tired, but like the woolly-legged caterpillar you cared for, the cells growing inside were finally made known, found during your morning shower.
You had already scattered all you are; thrown to the mortal world, your goodness blossomed into bright orange, fiery red; You, a light in this life and protector of all things noble, true, and pure.
When you called me in Baltimore, asked for me to call you back, I knew; knew the news was bad, knew I didn’t want to hear it; not about you; but like the light you always are, you told me not to worry; it was a new journey.
Two days ago, the surgeon transformed the body you carried; two days ago, the Monarch cracked the hard shell that had kept her safe; bright orange, black wings fluttered ready for flight, the obscene gone; you both flew away.
|
|
|
Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Dec 17, 2007 15:16:21 GMT -5
This seems a bit cliche:
You had already scattered the seed of your love; blown by the wind,
I'd like to see the stanzas reworked to make the poem more surprising. Over all, a very powerful poem.
|
|
|
Post by mfwilkie on Dec 17, 2007 20:03:39 GMT -5
Laura,
I agree with Leo.
This is a very strong poem, and derserves to have the cliché written out, stronger word choices put in place.
Exceptional draft.
Maggie
|
|
|
Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Dec 18, 2007 8:47:23 GMT -5
Creative title, using a double metaphor. S1 continues the metaphor...... S2...might omit a "you" "the cell growing inside (you) finally made itself known."
(I know where you're going here, Laura, but to me it makes more sense to use cells rather than a single cell. Yes, the cancer begins with a cell, but by the time it is manifest during a self-examination it is much more.)
The last verse is beautiful, couched in terms of possibilities. I really like this personal expression. I hope your mom is doing well.
|
|
|
Post by Laura Stone on Dec 18, 2007 9:54:50 GMT -5
Leo, Maggie, and Jonathan, You all have given me a few things to chew on here. I will give those things some thought and rework soon.
Jonathan, this is about one of my dearest friends, just a year older than I. Brings it home rather hard though not about my mother, enormously difficult anyway.
Thanks for all the encouragement...
Laura
|
|
|
Post by MichaelFirewalker on Dec 18, 2007 15:27:36 GMT -5
that seed line is its only cliche, Laura----all the rest is emotionally provocative and original----it is a very worthy poem...
michael
|
|
|
Post by ramadevi on Dec 19, 2007 10:22:45 GMT -5
I agree with all of the above.....
This is an exceptional draft and i look forward to its revision. It won't take much pruning to polish this gem.
Very strong and moving.
|
|
|
Post by Laura Stone on Dec 20, 2007 10:07:40 GMT -5
Attempting a few changes but would welcome suggestions on this work. Having a bear of a time with the 3rd stanza as that seems to be where the weakness lies... not sure how to bring it round. Thanks...
Laura
|
|