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Post by ramadevi on Dec 19, 2007 9:51:31 GMT -5
* An oldie, trying to revise but not yet satisfied. We are
deciduous leaves
drinking sap from
life’s great tree.
We dance
in the breeze of existence—
a colorful flair,
then a flurry
in the air
as
we
tumble
swiftly
downward,
turning
brown.
We
boast our reds
and golds, making joyful
toasts to sun and shadows—
as we set the tree aflame.
Delighting in the game,
we
forget
how
brief
the
time
to be
a
leaf.
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Dec 19, 2007 11:10:15 GMT -5
I love the fluidity, subtle rhyme and the movement in this shape poem. The statement is concise, the feeeling fleeting.
Forgive me, rama, but the base of the tree is an afterthought to this reader. I would gently prune it, trusting that the ending w/o it is understood.
Namaste.......
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Post by mfwilkie on Dec 19, 2007 23:56:45 GMT -5
I think jon's right about the base of the tree, rama. This may be an odd thought, but what about putting the last two lines to the right side of the tree to represent a composte pile. Here's the poem with my suggestions. We are
deciduous leaves
drinking sap from
life’s great tree.
We dance
in the breeze of existence(—)
with a colorful flair
and then a flurry
in the air
as
we
tumble
swiftly
downward,
turning
brown. We
boast our reds
and golds, making joyful
toasts to sun and shadows
as we set the tree aflame.
Delighting in the game,
we
forget
how
brief
the
life
of
a
leaf
really
is.
era
for
a
leaf. Maggie |
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Post by ramadevi on Dec 20, 2007 0:54:58 GMT -5
Thank you Jon and Maggie!
I really like your suggestions.
Still contemplating changing the era line. Any votes?
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Dec 20, 2007 13:50:16 GMT -5
how about: how brief
the time
to be a
leaf michael |
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Vasile Baghiu
EP Gold 1000 Posts Plus
EP Word Master
poetry is rather a matter of life than art
Posts: 1,385
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Post by Vasile Baghiu on Dec 20, 2007 16:00:48 GMT -5
A good poem this one, Rama. The only problem I have, which might be just mine, is with the little clichés “life’s great tree" and 'the breeze of existence". I would change them with something like "life's meaning" and "the breeze of what philosophers call existence”. A pleasant read otherwise. Thanks. Take care!
Vasile
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Dec 21, 2007 12:41:34 GMT -5
I like Michael's idea of "time to be a leaf", something about "era" doesn't play right to me either. Overall the nature intwined in the work is so good. Well enjoyed by me. Ron
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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Dec 21, 2007 16:23:19 GMT -5
I like Michael's rhyme also.. it seems simple at first, but in the context of the intent, it's not simple at all. Don't care for 'era' either. Love maggie's idea about a compost pile. Overall, the piece has alot of good image. You're almost there, I think. Thanks. Tina
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Post by ramadevi on Dec 21, 2007 23:17:49 GMT -5
Thank you all for your time and comments. I also like Michael's suggestion and have happiily implemented it! I am contemplating the idea of the compost pile.Either i should delete those two lines, as suggested by Jon, or i should align them to the right or left. Any votes? Here is how it looks with the compost pile:
We are
deciduous leaves
drinking sap from
life’s great tree.
We dance
in the breeze of existence—
a colorful flair,
then a flurry
in the air
as
we
tumble
swiftly
downward,
turning
brown.
We
boast our reds
and golds, making joyful
toasts to sun and shadows—
as we set the tree aflame.
Delighting in the game,
we
forget
how
brief
the
time
to be
a
leaf.
And yet the compost nourishes
new life and we live on. |
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