|
|
Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Dec 20, 2007 14:24:19 GMT -5
Come on- let's play a happy game;
one where you don't have to hide
to be found...
or another where you can take
six giant steps without having
to say "may I."
Perhaps patty cake, where the
cake doesn't have to be baked
so fast, and we can eat it slowly,
savoring the strawberries
and whipped cream.
Any game that will make you
smile from your soles up-
then down to reality...
still smiling.
|
|
|
|
Post by Jo Lynn Ehnes on Dec 20, 2007 16:08:53 GMT -5
I love it, Jon as will she. Just one little thought and then I'm on my way
then turn to reality...(return to reality)
and you'd still be smiling.(think I'd drop the you'd)
|
|
|
|
Post by sandpiper on Dec 20, 2007 17:19:48 GMT -5
I like the change to "turn into"... that makes more sense for me.
This is just my cuppa.
sweet, bright, and carries a wonderful message.
delightful...
-piper
|
|
|
|
Post by Jo Lynn Ehnes on Dec 20, 2007 18:03:19 GMT -5
Yes I like that much better as well. Nice move, Jon.
|
|
|
|
Post by Tina (Firefly) on Dec 20, 2007 18:14:47 GMT -5
Oh, Michael will love this, but so do I! There are two spots that could be revised a tiny bit --
I think it might add a little more fun (games) to say
"any game that will make you smile from your toes up..
and also, I think that the last line could be a little stronger and still relate the same message. Perhaps:
"and turn into a reality
where a smile is eternal."
I really like this, Jon, and think the opening is especially good.
Tina
|
|
|
|
Post by LynnDoiron on Dec 20, 2007 18:26:21 GMT -5
This could be for anyone -- such a heart you have, jon. a wonderful gift to us all. lynnie
|
|
|
|
Post by ramadevi on Dec 21, 2007 1:55:18 GMT -5
Bake me a cake as fast as you can!
Delightful, Jon. You havea golden heart and Michael will love this....as we all do!
The change is five star....
No other nits, though i do like Tina's idea of "toes up" instead of "shoes up".
The opening is simply stunning!
I love the closing just as it is.
|
|
|
|
Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Dec 21, 2007 12:50:54 GMT -5
Excellent, Jon, I like where you've taken this, very well done, not a nit from me. Ron
|
|
|
|
Post by MichaelFirewalker on Dec 21, 2007 16:44:59 GMT -5
I love you, Jon, with all my heart----this is very humbling, in the most beautiful of ways----and I do not know what else to say to let you know how much I value your friendship, and your trust...
michael
|
|
