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Post by mfwilkie on Dec 23, 2007 4:58:57 GMT -5
Roll with me, Henry.
My heart is full of sonnets.
Spring may be buried in
the cold, cold snow, but
music from the moon is rockin'
and no summer high ever felt this good.
Even this late the autumn bones of an
old body shine in the middle of a grocery aisle,
ears enflamed with the rhythm of distant rhymes.
Let's kiss the minds behind magic poems
and cell phones! I'm feeling love from
Ugly tomatoes—Cha-cha-cha!
Cherry-red wine the whole month of May!
Who loves ya, baby?
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Dec 23, 2007 11:46:00 GMT -5
Upbeat and fun. And life goes on.........with remembrances warm as the embers in a winter fireplace...........
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Dec 23, 2007 13:33:17 GMT -5
what a powerfully positive life-force you are, beloved Mags!----this little gem speaks you so perfectly, so full of color and light and love!!!
blessed be,
mick
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Post by LynnDoiron on Dec 23, 2007 14:04:09 GMT -5
Ditto to what Michael says above [and jon]. You have that amazing ability to take what you're feeling in a moment and put it out there for all of us to feel; you have that magic that can make a "moment" accessible over and over again. Keep this in mind, that your poem holds that sort of energy just as it is without any adjustments or tinkerings, when you read my notes below - - -
Roll with me, Henry.
My heart is full of sonnets [WONDERFUL OPENING TWO LINES!]
and I know s Spring is buried
under in the cold, cold snow
but music on the moon is rockin' --
and no summer high ever felt this good.
Even this late the bones of old bodies
can shine in the middle of a grocery aisles,
when theirears burnt with the rhythm
of distant rhymes. Let's kiss
the minds who invented behind magic poems
and cell phones! Cha-cha-cha!
Cherry-red wine the whole month of May!
Who loves ya, baby?
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Dec 27, 2007 14:07:16 GMT -5
Love the music, Maggie, and I echo Lynn's revision suggestions. They enhance the voice of an already spectacular work. Hope the holidays are being as kind as they can. Ron
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Post by mfwilkie on Dec 27, 2007 14:10:14 GMT -5
Thanks everyone. And I agree, Ron; chicky boom-boom's suggestions work perfectly for me.
Maggie
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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Dec 27, 2007 14:18:23 GMT -5
A couple of issue just for pace:
but music on the moon is rockin'
I'd say:
but my (or this music) music rocks the moon...
closer to intent and more intimate...
switch the final two lines...
Who loves ya, baby?
Cherry-red wine the whole month of May!
more surprising and surprise is a nice way to end a poem.
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Post by mfwilkie on Dec 27, 2007 15:03:56 GMT -5
Thanks for the suggestion on the couplet, Leo.
The music from the moon is actually a reference to the Vampire Sonnets, and therefore not mine.
Mags
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