|
|
Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 10, 2008 15:52:24 GMT -5
I was one
almost closed
a clouded
darkened moon
then
you lifted high my darkness
released your splendour
like the noon
sun
now I glow
together we are golden
yet I somehow know
this
has always
been
|
|
|
|
Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Jan 11, 2008 18:54:08 GMT -5
What a fine song to the light this is! Where ever we find it, it always lifts us whole. Ron
|
|
|
|
Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 11, 2008 20:15:22 GMT -5
well spoken, Ron,
michael
|
|
|
|
Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 14, 2008 15:56:14 GMT -5
Ah, so often we drift, Michael, and return to find what was always there, but unseen to the naked eye. Well, done. Bravo.
|
|
|
|
Post by mfwilkie on Jan 21, 2008 3:07:32 GMT -5
Mick,
Some thoughts: the second stanza reads and sounds awkward to me.
I was one
almost closed
a clouded
darkened moon
What about moving 'moon' to the beginning of the line, and finding a different word for clouded. It comes close on the heels of 'closed', maybe enveloped.
I was one
almost closed
a moon
enveloped in darkness
And here, maybe get rid of 'then', and introduce the person the V is talking about with something as simple as 'You came'. You might look at another way of describing the second 'darkness'.
It's a repitition that doesn't work to strengthen the poem.
You came
and lifted my
then
you lifted high my darkness
released your splendour
like the noon
sun
I'd take you, the Voice out of the poem here in this next line:
now I glow
These next lines are the best lin the poem, Mick.
The V changes and seperates itself from the rest of the poem.
yet I somehow know
this
has always
been
I'll be interested in what you do with this one.
Mags
|
|
