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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 10, 2008 17:10:20 GMT -5
Johnny-
This damn near breaks my heart, man. Nice forlornness (yes, I made that word up...I think).
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 10, 2008 19:24:20 GMT -5
I's gonna play...now puleeeze don' be mad, heah?
You are in da room
[you in de room]
dressed as someone else
[lookin' lak a strangah]
rolling back the years
[lyin' into time]
pained lipstick
[wid dat painin' lipstick]
and outré boots
[dem outre boots]
you don’t see me
[you don' see me]
through the three unwise
[three clueless guys]
men surrounding you
[surround you]
laughing at punch-lines
[laughin' at yo lines]
carved from our loveletters
[de ones you carved
outta yo letters o' luv]
michael
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Post by johnnysaturn on Jan 11, 2008 5:25:46 GMT -5
That's a killer, Michael.
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Post by johnnysaturn on Jan 11, 2008 8:37:43 GMT -5
Thanks David. Forlornness is an existing word, and a necessary one at that.
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Post by sandpiper on Jan 11, 2008 19:48:11 GMT -5
ouch.... this one hurts.
the "pained" keeps throwing me though, I keep reading it painted...
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Post by johnnysaturn on Jan 14, 2008 8:25:20 GMT -5
Sandpiper, I agree that it's a wee stumbling block ; have changed it .Thanks.
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storyweaver
EP 250 Posts Plus
"What is genius?but the power of expressing a new individuality?" Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Posts: 465
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Post by storyweaver on Jan 15, 2008 22:41:43 GMT -5
Hey, sounds like you and I were thinking in the same voice...
I would take Michael's suggestions and run, they are great, and really bring forth the voice of this well crafted poem.
LOVE it.
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Post by johnnysaturn on Jan 16, 2008 8:18:31 GMT -5
Storyweaver- I did just that . Goodbye Girl (Firewalker Remix) is in an earlier thread.
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Jan 16, 2008 10:00:35 GMT -5
Neil Simon would love this, Johnny.
Nice and tight...."da" doesn't fit with the rest (to my ear.)
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