Twilight in Winter

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Twilight in Winter

Fire no longer burns above the western rim;
the air, grey as January, slips into lungs
like a Comanche.
Winter twilight in Oklahoma stands
on grass pale as hay
etching fading light between leafless limbs.

The black is coming,
coming soon, cold and moonless
dragging a scatter of white stars
too distant to illuminate
the path under leather Nocona soles.
The crunch of gravel
dies in the smoke of hanging breath and
stillness of walking denim.

A brush of heavy feathers sweeps last light
above drifted browns
and darkness lands
in tree tops across the ravine, southeast
of my eyes turning to catch the day ending.

[sandpiper]

"The black is coming,
coming soon, cold and moonless
dragging a scatter of white stars
too distant to illuminate
the path under leather Nocona soles.
The crunch of gravel footsteps
dies in the smoke of hanging breath and
stillness of walking denim."

LOVE THIS!
-piper

[MichaelFirewalker]

it flows like a deep river, silent, unstoppable...

will play a bit:

A brush of heavy feathers
sweeps last light above drifted browns
where darkness lands in tree tops
across the southeast ravine
of my head where it turns
to catch the day's end


michael

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Some very strong, compelling imagery.I Like the "air" simile. Would you think of possibly extending it into something like

"the air is grey as January and slips into lungs
like a Comanche into blue eyes' camp"?

There are a lot of gerunds which you might reword........the "ings" detracted a bit.

Nice scene.......

[storyweaver]

Great writing!

[aliciadon]

I love this. It was a feast. It's all good, but the second part is my favorite, as well. (the black is coming/coming soon, cold and moonless/dragging a scatter of white stars...wonderful.) My only suggestions---maybe a comma after "moonless" and possibly dropping the "footsteps" since we already have the image of Nacona soles on the path...but either way, I was delighted by the images this evoked.
Lynne

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

I agree with dropping footsteps, Ron. I think Lynne is right there. Also another place I was thinking could be different.

Fire no longer burns above the western rim;
the air is grey as January and slips into lungs
like a Comanche.(wonder if this could read "the air grey as January slips into lungs)
Winter twilight in Oklahoma stands
on grass pale as hay
etching fading light between leafless limbs.

The black is coming,
coming soon, cold and moonless
dragging a scatter of white stars
too distant to illuminate
the path under leather Nocona soles.
The crunch of gravel footsteps (yep definitely lose footsteps)
dies in the smoke of hanging breath and
stillness of walking denim.

A brush of heavy feathers sweeps last light
above drifted browns
and darkness lands
in tree tops across the ravine southeast
of my head turning to catch the day ending.



Very nice job, Sweetheart. Loved the read.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Sheer enjoyment, Ron. You take me to the prairie, brother, and I think I'll stay awhile.

[Jarlsbane - Michael Ray Cotner]

hey Ron-- geat write lovely read... the images are strong and the scene is complete in the minds eye... the entire poem flowed for me Except (there's always one isn't there.. lol) at the very end ... for me and maybe just me the wording of last two lines was like a broken guitar string.... i really paused at "across the ravine southeast
of my head turning to catch the day ending." I don't know if exact direction is needed here...in the readers mind direction is probably ilrelavent to the picture being painted so i would drop "southest" altogether or use another descriptor if you feel something is needed there... also I would offer that it is your GAZE that is turning not your head... at least I think wording the line so would make a better read. Something like this...
A brush of heavy feathers sweeps last light
above drifted browns
and darkness lands
in tree tops across the ravine
where my gaze turns to catch the day ending.

I hope this helps and u don't mind me playing with it... Take care my friend--- Jarls