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Post by Laura Stone on Jan 13, 2008 0:06:26 GMT -5
Winter White (edit 1)
I watch the paperwhites
rise toward the sun
in their straight shoots;
each height of stem
a darker shade of green
like the color of grass
as it unfolds in spring;
I wait for snowy blossoms
to lift up and kiss me.
Soon; any day now.
Winter White (original)
I watch the paperwhites grow,
reaching towards the sun
in their straight shoots;
each height of stem
a darker shade of green
like the color of grass
when it unfolds in spring;
I wait for their snowy blossoms
to rise up and kiss me.
Soon; any day now.
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Post by johnnysaturn on Jan 13, 2008 7:24:22 GMT -5
Simple but effective. Nice work.
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 13, 2008 10:34:03 GMT -5
Nice work, Laura.
One suggestion: I watch the paperwhites grow (rise)
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Post by Laura Stone on Jan 13, 2008 11:18:35 GMT -5
Hi David....
Your suggestion would force 'rise' where grow is now in the first line, but would make me want to swap out 'rise' in the next to last line in S2, to the word 'reach'. How would that be? Others thoughts appreciated as well...
Another option I might consider is the following... (releve' in French means to rise, also in ballet a term meaning "to rise") perhaps?
I watch the paperwhites grow
as they releve' towards the sun (my gut would want to lop off the 's' in that sentance if so)
in their straight shoots; etc....
Laura (or I could just leave it alone.... it is seldom these days that these very minimalistic, simple and serene pieces come out of me... when they do, they seem to just exist to "be"....)
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Post by sandpiper on Jan 13, 2008 11:49:47 GMT -5
I like the rise at the beginning, because of the whites/rise sound.
Possibly, reach out, instead of reaching, and as it unfolds instead of when.
and for the extra rise at the end, possibly "lift up and kiss", then you have the soft i sound in both of those. or spring's another choice to keep with the budding motif. spring up, but then you've got the issue of the other spring. lol... you could change that to May, and keep the idea, along with the may, day sounds...
so to sum up all this confusion I just typed, here's what I meant...
Winter White
I watch the paperwhites rise,
reach out towards the sun
in their straight shoots;
each height of stem
a darker shade of green
like the color of grass
as it unfolds in spring;
I wait for their snowy blossoms
to lift up and kiss me.
Soon; any day now.
OR
Winter White
I watch the paperwhites rise,
reach out towards the sun
in their straight shoots;
each height of stem
a darker shade of green
like the color of grass
as it unfolds in May;
I wait for their snowy blossoms
to spring up and kiss me.
Soon; any day now.
I also like your idea of releve towards the sun....
I think that adds a nice flavor to it.
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Post by Laura Stone on Jan 13, 2008 12:14:50 GMT -5
Sandpiper,
You have spurned an entirely different thought.... see what you think. Perhaps the word that didn't need to be in the first line could be taken off and moved to line two with the above edits. I think David was onto something here.... Thanks to you both.
Laura
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 13, 2008 12:15:55 GMT -5
Piper said it better than I did, but that was sort of the intention of my suggestion. Nice work, Laura.
David
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Jan 13, 2008 12:22:29 GMT -5
Very lovely write, Laura. I know there is a haiku hidden within these lines..............
paperwhites rise
stems green as grass
snow blossoms kiss
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Post by Laura Stone on Jan 13, 2008 12:29:29 GMT -5
Lovely words there Jonathan. I know nothing about Haiku but find your arrangement of my words most lovely. Thanks for that little gift!
Laura
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Post by sandpiper on Jan 13, 2008 14:01:42 GMT -5
Ah, great change with the rise to the next line....
Well done!
-piper
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 13, 2008 15:18:28 GMT -5
yes, the clarity of this is arresting, in several ways----the images themselves are so alive they are nearly visible to the reader's eye----the carefully astute word choices and line placement create a faultless word-crystal---and the poet's hunger for spring in the last three lines gently and respectfully humanizes the poem...
michael
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Post by Laura Stone on Jan 17, 2008 12:04:22 GMT -5
Thank you Michael for that comment. I have been working really hard on visual imagery, making something so clear that it can be seen. I have also found a love for the work of Mary Oliver lately as I believe she brings life to everything she describes. It's as though she steps into whatever she is describing. I love much of her work, but two poems that I have been reading over and over are When Death Comes, and the The Alligator Poem. In both of these you understand the sacredness of life and living it. I suppose my intent of this piece was to try my hand at giving life to something so simple and to use clear, concise imagery to do it. I thank you that you picked up on that....
Laura
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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 17, 2008 18:37:49 GMT -5
Laura,
Do you need to use the word 'color' after using 'green' and saying grass in the same line?
I'd tighten this a bit.
Maggie
I watch the paperwhites
rise toward the sun
in their straight shoots;
each height of stem
a darker shade of green
like the color of grass
as it unfolds in spring;
I wait for their snowy blossoms
to lift up and kiss me.
Soon; any day now.
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Post by Laura Stone on Jan 21, 2008 11:16:27 GMT -5
Hi Maggie...
Thanks for the suggestions though honestly I have come to a place where I feel good about that which is left there now. The words I used were deliberate to portray more imagery in a notion of actual movement, (unfold, rise, height, etc) and I don't want to cut anymore now. When I first began to write, I would cut out everything completely unnecessary and found for me, over time, that I felt in the cutting, that I lost a sense of me too. I suppose that makes no sense, but for me, right now, it's important.
Thank you again for your keen eye and for reading my work. I appreciate all you give to me to think about.
Laura
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 21, 2008 11:25:30 GMT -5
I like your revision, Laura. Well done.  |
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Post by Sherry Thrasher on Jan 21, 2008 11:38:40 GMT -5
Lovely. My only suggestion would be to omit the word up. I don't feel it necessary next to lift. Nice work.
Sherry
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Jan 21, 2008 14:41:48 GMT -5
I think it's a fine piece as it is, but I 'd switch "rise" and "lift" in the first and last stanzas, then drop "up" as Sherry suggests. Regardless, this is good work. Ron
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