The First Morning

[MichaelFirewalker]

REVISED FIRST STROPHE

when the spirit of Earth rose up
from delicious riches of fertile ground
that very first sun-kissed morning, she found
herself lifted gently aloft by soft carresses
of her etheric, willow-branch wings,
till she flew all across her buxom curves,
so livid and lush with blues and greens.

wherever she breathed there were heard
sweeps of the breeze in luxuriant grasses,
as forest leaves emerged to cover her trees.

over this scene, pompously ponderous clouds,
stuffed with malachite dreams, steered her wide
currents of air between systems of weather extremes
that brushed and ravished her sumptuous hair.

she heard her Deva spirits sing,
her elves and gnomes and faery beings
cavorted and frollicked and danced
around their hilarious faery rings.

all was healthy, growing and wealthy,
dynamic with vigorous, pulsating life,
and as far as she could joyously see,
this would always be.


ORIGINAL

when the spirit of Earth rose up
from delicious riches of fertile ground
on her very first sun-kissed morning,
she found herself lifted gently aloft
on soft carresses of willow branch wings,
till she flew all across her buxom curves
so livid and lush with blues and greens.

wherever she breathed there were heard
sweeps of the breeze in luxuriant grasses,
as forest leaves emerged to cover her trees.

over this scene, pompously ponderous clouds,
stuffed with malachite dreams, steered her wide
currents of air between systems of weather extremes
that brushed and ravished her sumptuous hair.

she heard her Deva spirits sing,
her elves and gnomes and faery beings
cavorted and frollicked and danced
around their hilarious faery rings.

all was healthy, growing and wealthy,
dynamic with vigorous, pulsating life,
and as far as she could joyously see,
this would always be.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Beautiful verse, Michael, but I must admit that the cavalcade of imagery may have bordered just on the allowable side of overkill where the adjectives are concerned.

Please don't hate me. Just my honest opinion.

[johnnysaturn]

"hilarious faery rings" is worth the price of admission alone.I know where David is coming from and this is a matter of taste, but I liked the willful extravagance of the piece. There is a fairy tale, incantatory quality to it which I really enjoyed.

[MichaelFirewalker]

David and John----John has it----it is a song for the high celebration of life, and it is supposed to be boisterously over-the-top, with cascading sounds of joy, like millions of babies laughing----it is all that is free and UTTERLY unrestricted...there were no buttons on the mind then, sweet David, no sin, no human sorrow as yet to quash life's natural effervescence----it is difficult now for us to accurately imagine such a state of being as that----but we must try----yes indeed, we must learn joy all over again, if we are ever to be truly free ourselves...

michael

[Jarlsbane - Michael Ray Cotner]

Trying to picture this as a bed time story for little hobbitses or being told as a story around a table filled with muffins and jam, butter, honey and clotted cream, while listeners blow smoke rings leaning back in their chairs in contemplation the world and their place in it...

[mfwilkie]

Mick,

I agree with David. The added exuberance in the language of your lines reminds me, as it does Jarls, of a fairy tale, but for me it has the emphasis of someone reading to a child.

But a child wouldn't understand 'malachite dreams' and 'hillarious faery rings' or ' Deva spirit'.

I'd like to see you write this bare-bones with elevated language. maybe even consider meter and rhyme.

I think imagery and movement need to be defined much clearer which is where I'm finding nits.

when the spirit of Earth rose up
from delicious riches the richness of fertile ground
or
from her haven in fertile ground

This next line could be said much stronger without the cliché of first sun kissed morning

on her very first sun-kissed morning,

And here, Mick, willow braches hang down, sway from side to side in almost a brushing movement unless the wind is so strong their blown straight out to the side. So this image doesn't work for me.

she found herself lifted gently aloft
on soft carresses of willow branch wings,
till she flew all across her buxom curves,
so livid and lush with blues and greens.

And here, can a spirit breathe?

wherever she breathed there were heard
sweeps of the breeze in luxuriant grasses,
as forest leaves emerged to cover her trees.

It has potential for revision, Mick, but right now, it's not doing it for me.

Mags

[storyweaver]

Hi Michael,

I really like the extravagance of this piece, but do agree with Maggie and David as far as the delivery is concerned. It can still be vivid and joyful with straight forward delivery. Crisp delivery would give this an edge that would bring mystery as well as grace to the delightful imagery.

Just an example of a trimmer delivery:

when the spirit Earth rose
from fertile ground on her first
sun-kissed morning, she was gently lifted aloft
on soft caresses of willow branch wings,
and she flew upon her buxom curves,
livid and lush with blues and greens.

Still I have left quite a few of the adjectives, but did trim some.
There is still a feel of extravagance but without overkill.

I really like this. It reminds me of a poem I once wrote.
I may have to dig it out and update the old thing.

Beautiful poem.
G.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Regardless of the comments that have been made, I like this poem because it is written from a place of joy and optimism.
You relate so strongly to Gaia and personify her so well.....if this poem is one of happiness for you.............leave it as it is..just as it is.........Lovely.

[MichaelFirewalker]

you know, my sweethearts, michael has long since stopped being reactionary about critique, and greatly values the detail in each of your generous offerings here----but I think this one has to sound right to me, and the changes suggested do not now sound right to me----even though I shall continue to consider them, and think on each of them seriously, in order to see what improvements I still might make in this piece...

poetically, I am sure they improve the poem, but they don't sing, and this poem is, first of all, as John pointed out, an incantation to joy----it must sing to me----that is why it has the meter it has, and that is why it is over-written, poetically speaking...

you see, the thing is that I do not want to reign it in----that does not happen very often, because I don't write like this very often----it only happens with poems written for children, and for the child in all of us, where there must be dancing, and frollicking, and a Dionysian sense of the glorious outre`, of recklessness, release from stricture, rules, and all adult expectations...


Mags...

1. the long willow branches stream behind the spirit of Earth as she flies around her body----they are attrached to her as her wings----how they might behave when attached to their trunks as trees is not relevant to the way they behave when they are being employed here, where they are not parts of a tree, but the wings of the spirit of the Mother who is Earth...

2. and yes, Maggie, Spirit does breathe----breath is what Spirit is, the Breath of Godde, ever in motion, as breath, as a rushing, mighty wind, the very wind that continually brings forth creation from every part of Herself----and it is we who comprise all the many parts of Herself----all created, sentient beings have Divine spirits, including planets and stars----they are constantly breathing themselves outward into being, into love, into light, into life...

3. and Mags, as to whether or not a child would understand 'malachite dreams' and 'hillarious faery rings' or ' Deva spirit', that is not important either, as I see it----in fact, I would not want the child to initially understand those things----I would want the child to have opportunity to learn the English language as I learned it, at the feet of my aunt who read all manner of books to me as a small child, and with whom I had long, albeit often interrupted, conversations regarding meanings of words and their marvelous histories in our language----childrens' books that have been "dumbed down for kids" are abhorrent to me, and insulting to children, who are being talked down to by secretive adults who won't take the time to share what they know, or who don't know anything, and so can't share anything, having nothing in themsleves to give to the child, because they received nothing themselves...

with love and respect to all,
michael

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Michael, in the end you have to satisfy yourself, especially since this is your personal incantation of joy.

The beautiful thing about this place is that we're not involuntary editors, but mere poets making suggestions.

All can take or forsake any and every comment made with a grain of salt or a blind adherence.

[MichaelFirewalker]

yes, David, I know that to be true----also know the depth of the wells of poetic wisdoms long in residence here, and therefore greatly value any helps received----ergo, I shall work some more on this piece, considering each suggestion made, and we'll see what happens----Mags is always telling me I love my work too much----sooo..., must stand back and consider it awhile, because I do love it just like it is, but maybe I'm wrong...

michael

[storyweaver]

Naw, your not wrong. It is your creation, if you love it as is, then it is perfect.
G.

[mfwilkie]

I think that discussion got around to your loving 'the sounds' in your work too much, Mick.

Here's a link to an article both you and G might enjoy.

www.everypoet.org/pffa/showthread.php?p=396351

Let's discuss the piece a bit, and my specific nits with it.No word war here, we're talking about a draft's success with this particular reviewer.

I read the poem. I read it out loud. I left it then came back to it and read it again. And where I found nits initially, there are still nits for me.

And after reading your note, Mick, they're still there.

Your explanation of the opening stanza has more specific imagery than than the original work for me. No where in the opening stanza do I get an image of the branches of the tree being attached to her body like 'wings' and lifting her around the earth.

She was 'lifted' 'till' 'she flew'.

I believe I said the poem's exuberance reminds me of a piece being read to a child.

To me if a child were to have this read to them, the words I mentioned in my original review wouldn't resonate with them, because although the poem sings for you, it would not catch their ear, which is why I suggested you might consider doing this in meter and rhyme, like a nursery rhyme, where these words would become part of the rhythm in a song that holds their interest.

I'm glad jon 'got it', but I also got it. And the 'it' is that one can't miss the joy eminating from the writer's herself when the piece was being composed. But if you are telling me a story about the spirit of earth, tell me the story, put the joy into the spirit of the earth, leave the 'topical application of the writer's joy' out of the story. What I want from the writer is language and images that make me a believer.

My thoughts keep going to Native American stories and the way they are told.

And the way Perera describes Geshtinanna as a
wise woman,' a tablet-knowing scribe who knows the meanings of words...who knows the meaning of dreams.'

These words conjour images, interest, mystery, fascination.
They make me want to know more about her.

I also pulled this from the 'Polishing'section of Bosveld's article in a thread you can find in the Classroom; maybe it's time to move the entire article back to The Study Hall for a bit.

"Critiquing Toward Clarification- Jennifer Bosveld"

"I do know there comes a time when we must let the poem go, like a healed bird, or like a child. Your poetry is to be treated, eventually, like the people in your life who you treat with respect. Apply the words of the singer, Sting, "If you love someone, set them free." If you love this poem enough to be possessive and hypersensitive to any critiquing of it, you DO NOT love it enough. Love this poem enough to work on it; love it enough to set it free of cliches and poor word choice; love it enough to set it free of vague language. Set it free of this fog caused by a lack of focus. Set it free of the hiding place caused by resistance to change, resistance to work, resistance to turn your back on the original aha! Bring the situation of this poem into clear and bothersome light and simultaneously you will free the spirit of the poem and free the poet of the need to beat it to death. You will free the poet. You will free yourself.

Make the poem more important than YOU if you want to grow as a poet. Because in doing so, you might create art that is higher than what you have brought us thus far. No poem is worth the making unless it informs the maker."

Later, Mick.

Mags

[MichaelFirewalker]

Mags-----"I think that discussion got around to your loving 'the sounds' in your work too much, Mick."

no, it never did----but if it had, I would have heartily disagreed...

"Your explanation of the opening stanza has more specific imagery than than the original work for me. No where in the opening stanza do I get an image of the branches of the tree being attached to her body like 'wings' and lifting her around the earth.

She was 'lifted' 'till' 'she flew'"

I revised the first strophe----but think that the phrase "willow branch wings" clearly says she had willow branch wings...

"To me if a child were to have this read to them, the words I mentioned in my original review wouldn't resonate with them, because although the poem sings for you, it would not catch their ear, "

I don't agree.

"I'm glad jon 'got it', but I also got it. And the 'it' is that one can't miss the joy eminating from the writer's herself when the piece was being composed. But if you are telling me a story about the spirit of earth, tell me the story, put the joy into the spirit of the earth, leave the 'topical application of the writer's joy' out of the story. What I want from the writer is language and images that make me a believer."

that is just plain confusing----I think the language is all there...


"If you love this poem enough to be possessive and hypersensitive to any critiquing of it, you DO NOT love it"

again, with all due respect, Mags, as I said above, I am not reacting to criticism here----I am simply disagreeing with it----if you see disagreement as reacting, then you are the one having the problem----they are two completely different things...

"Love this poem enough to work on it; love it enough to set it free of cliches and poor word choice; love it enough to set it free of vague language. Set it free of this fog caused by a lack of focus. Set it free of the hiding place caused by resistance to change, resistance to work, resistance to turn your back on the original aha! Bring the situation of this poem into clear and bothersome light and simultaneously you will free the spirit of the poem and free the poet of the need to beat it to death. You will free the poet. You will free yourself.

Make the poem more important than YOU if you want to grow as a poet. Because in doing so, you might create art that is higher than what you have brought us thus far. No poem is worth the making unless it informs the maker."

that entire paragraph is just plain out of line----basically, you are implying that I don't do any of the things you suggest here----that is simply not true----I work hard at all of those things, and have for a long time now----it's simply that I don't always agree with you, Mags; I explained why, and this is the result----most likely, I will continue to revise this poem, but this from you feels like bullying, like shaming, like a public spanking, and michael does not respond positively to that approach...believe it, sweetcakes...

mick

[johnnysaturn]

I have to dissent from Maggie's proposition that because the piece is endued with a sense of child-like wonder and possesses a fairy-tale quality that the language must be restricted to that which could be understood by a child. One might rather say that it appeals to the child still buried within the adult.

[MichaelFirewalker]

Gina and John...thank you both for your gentle understanding of where I am coming from with this particular poem...it is much appreciated, as are all the others who commented on it...

michael

[MichaelFirewalker]

have been thinking a lot about this poem...

michael