Freeze Frame_Salisbury, MA , A Sunday Night Sonnet

[mfwilkie]

No stars tonight. No moon.
Sea and sky, one shade of endless?
Maybe.
A wall?
Maybe.
Whatever
sounds like a nightmare
on its way to interrupt a genteel dream.
At the edge of high tide
turning—
a wash of foam,
a forgotten light.

Haphazard tatting on a pillow case.
Maybe.




Original Draft

There were no stars tonight. No moon.
Sea and sky—one shade of endless.
Maybe.
A wall?
Maybe.
Whatever they had become
sounded like a nightmare
on its way to interrupt a genteel dream.
At the edge of high tide
turning—
a wash of foam,
a forgotten light.
Haphazard tatting on a pillow case.
Maybe.

01-14-08

[LynnDoiron]

I prefer "of endless" rather than the dash. This does create a mood, a moment. Amazing how you can inject so much energy in some of your poems, creating mood and moment, and then, by contrast, by word choices and other devices, create this slower, near lethargic place with its wash of foam . . . brava, girl, brava!

[MichaelFirewalker]

she's not about to go over the edge, but maybe just has the edge engraved behind her eyes, always seen, no matter what she's looking at...

there is a stillness in her, like being frozen in time, and waiting, but not with any particular hope, just waiting, a monarch caterpillar turning in her chrysallis, indifferently aware of her slow metamorphosis...

michael

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Mags, I'm with Lynn on "of endless", but other than that, I like the revision better, my caped crusader.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Like 'em both, love the revision. LIne two is a poem within itself. Ron

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Hauntingly curious. I like "Sea and sky, one shade of endless."
You bring it to a specific ending after the more general material.

[ramadevi]

Yes, line two is the peak of this poem and could stand on its very own if it had to!

but i do like the whole piece...the revision is very solid.

Excellent mileage for so few words...powerfully effective.

Great close.

no nits.

Maybe.