storyweaver
EP 250 Posts Plus
"What is genius?but the power of expressing a new individuality?" Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Posts: 465
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Post by storyweaver on Jan 14, 2008 23:12:07 GMT -5
This is an odd one. I intend to write a series. I am not sure if I have the right idea, if it will fly. Just wanted an opinion or two.
Thanks. I promise to be around more and review too. It's been a while--life is too fast in Nebraslka. Ha!  South 5th Street Chronicles Rosily slams the door aggin; Jed’s leavin’. Get in the house woman, he says. (Ah know’d what’s comin.’) Her foot stomps, her neck goes east, an west, but don’ take her head. This aint no foath grade, she says, jest ‘cos you spit on me
don’ mean you own me.
Ah done stir yo oatmeal an’ lick the spoon,
ah wipes yo baby’s snot on yo T-shirt,
an’ ah cleans yo’ glasses wid ma own underweah—
if we's playen yo’ game,
yo’ ass is mine!
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 15, 2008 13:33:45 GMT -5
I think Michael Firewalker could speak pretty well to the execution of this one, as she has that vernacular down pat.
I'll be interested to see what you do with this, G.
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Post by LynnDoiron on Jan 15, 2008 14:07:52 GMT -5
I want to read more, Gina. This feels like an act in a longer play. I like it. Just want the next chronicle, soon.
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Post by Sherry Thrasher on Jan 15, 2008 14:12:04 GMT -5
This took place in Birmingham, right?  |
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 15, 2008 14:18:38 GMT -5
oh yeah, baby...dis be fine, jezz fine...
ah luuuuuvs "but don't take her head"!
mebbe try:
"but don' take her head."
and "ah done stirred yo oatmeal" and "ah wipes..."
and "clean yo glasses wid mah own underwear"
and "if we's playen yo game"
michael
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 15, 2008 14:47:34 GMT -5
^^^ See what I mean, G? I knew Michael could chime in on this.  I'm with Lynn. I'm looking forward to keeping up with this episodic tale. |
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Post by johnnysaturn on Jan 15, 2008 18:01:33 GMT -5
Great fun. Keep this show on the road for defs.
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Post by sandpiper on Jan 15, 2008 18:08:01 GMT -5
"I am not sure if I have the right idea, if it will fly"
It'll fly.... keep 'em coming...
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storyweaver
EP 250 Posts Plus
"What is genius?but the power of expressing a new individuality?" Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Posts: 465
|
Post by storyweaver on Jan 15, 2008 21:16:21 GMT -5
Thanks guys!
Michael, thanks so much, I was having a hard time trying to get 'in voice.' I will take your comments being the little thief that I am! HA!
Thanks again guys, ya'll rock!
G.
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 16, 2008 6:49:36 GMT -5
G-babe with the "y'all". Did my southern tones of yore impact your vernacular, Weavie? Like Piper said, please keep them coming. |
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Jan 16, 2008 9:57:02 GMT -5
Hi Gina. Nice to see you back.
Great dialogue here, capturing righteous pride..good to see her stick up for husef.
I'd put a period after "comin'"
I'd also probably change "underwear" to "underweah" to keep in synch with the rest of the vernacular....
Great finale!
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storyweaver
EP 250 Posts Plus
"What is genius?but the power of expressing a new individuality?" Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Posts: 465
|
Post by storyweaver on Jan 16, 2008 19:22:21 GMT -5
Ya David, but notice I can't even spell it right... if there were a proper spelling that is.... ya'll --Y'all --yeall...  So, I may have to have some pointers. Thanks Jon! I used your suggestions, I like them! I appreciate the suggestions! Nice to read ya again. Perhaps I should go search out some of your poems, eh. G. |
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So, I may have to have some pointers.