fractured (revised)

[Jarlsbane - Michael Ray Cotner]

You said
you couldn't love me

I stood
waiting for a locomotive
to come crashing through the house
for a meteor
to strike the front lawn
or for my heart to shatter
with Death's bone cold fingers
wrapped around it.

I wondered when I would die
dropping from the cross
on which I had been nailed
into a new hell
that would quell the pain
quiet the sobs
dry the tears

but Death is a tormentor
hiding in distant time

forcing me to embrace the loss
melding tears and anguish
in my soul so that
pain and I become one

fractured and
indistinguishable

[mfwilkie]

I like your first revision, Jarls.

Want to read it a few more times before I make any suggestions.

Maggie

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I, too, like the revision, Michael; the voice is more unique with a sense of pain but a sound of strength returning. The only spot that I had to read through a couple of times to find the rhythm was stanza 4 "torments" needs more of a pause to follow than just the line break for me. I did get it after a read or two so my nit's small in contrast to the rest of the poem which moved perfectly for me. Good stuff. Ron

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

I like this revision as well. Couple thoughts for you, Mike. I agree about needing more of a pause after torments


but Death torments--
hides in distant time

forcing me to embrace the loss
melding tears and anguish
in my soul as pain and I
become one

fractured and
indistinguishable

[mfwilkie]

Jarls,

Some questions to consider:

What about making this more immediate? Starting with something like:

You said, I can't love you.

And is 'I stood' necessary? Going straight to 'I waited for a locomotive, etc. after a line break.

And maybe instead of 'or' bring the next few lines immediate again with something like:

I felt my heart shatter
in the grip of cold and bony rejection
your words were a death
and I was dying

I think a more immediate sense of what the Voice is feeling
would help raise the energy of the piece.

'I wondered when...' seems so distant from actual experience.

Maggie