Ah Hell… Revision

[storyweaver]

Revision number three

These fingers stroke random keys, Still.
My wine wears a bargain tag,
love is an uglier lie, and
poetry—an orphan.

I was content
when tomorrow
hovered
an invisible horizon.



Revision
These fingers continue to stroke random keys
my wine wears a bargain tag—still,
love is an uglier lie, and
poetry—an orphan.

I was content
when tomorrow
hovered
a translucent sunrise
over an invisible horizon.





Original post

Which is better?


These fingers continue to stroke random keys
without direction,
my wine still wears a bargain tag,
love is an uglier lie,

and poetry—an orphan.
I was content
when tomorrow hovered
a translucent sunrise
over an indiscernible horizon.

or the first version:

I was content where tomorrow
hovered a translucent sunrise
over an indiscernible horizon.
but It came and didn’t honor promises.
These fingers continue to stroke random keys
without direction,
my wine still wears a bargain tag,
love is an uglier lie,
and poetry—an orphan.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

First read was for the enjoyment of the language and tone, Weavie. I'll be back for more.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

I like the first, G but I'd do some rearranging in the bottom


I was content when tomorrow
hovered a translucent sunrise
over an indiscernible horizon,
but it came and didn’t honor promises.

My wine still wears a bargain tag,
love is an uglier lie,
these fingers continue to stroke random keys
without direction,

and poetry—an orphan.

[mfwilkie]

Hi, G,

I'd tighten this opening and ditch the bottom for languge and tone more like the first five verses. It's much sharper.

Magnolia


These fingers stroke random keys
without direction,
my wine still wears a bargain tag,
love is an uglier lie,
and poetry—an orphan.



I was content
when tomorrow hovered
a translucent sunrise
over an indiscernible horizon.

[MichaelFirewalker]

it's too wordy

These fingers continue to stroke random keys
without direction,
my wine still wears a bargain tag,
love is an uglier lie,
and poetry—an orphan.
I was content
when tomorrow
[hovered] translucent
a sunrise indiscernible
[above the] horizon.


michael

[aliciadon]

Definitely the first one. I was open to the idea of switching the lines at first, but when I got to "but It came and didn’t honor promises," the magic was gone and I couldn't recapture it. I like the orphaned poetry right where it is...and I like this poem!
Lynne

[LynnDoiron]

These fingers continue to stroke random keys.
without direction, [for me, random indicates without direction and line is not needed]
My wine still wears a bargain tag. [Or, "My wine wears a bargain tag--still."
Love is an uglier lie, and
poetry—an orphan.

I was content
when tomorrow
            hovered--
a translucent sunrise
near an indiscernible horizon.


Okay -- so I know you didn't ask, but I like the top version best, but with definite end stops to each of the negative bricks building down the piece. Also, what would you think about "disappearing" in place of indiscernible? change the meaning too much? probably. I, too, like the poem.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I'm just going to go across the board with Lynn on this one, including disappearing. I'm also in the I really like this poem line. I seriously like both versions, but my choice is the top version. Ron

[David Nelson Bradsher]

I'm going to side with the free verse vets, G. I like the top version best, and I like Maggie's stanza break.

[Jarlsbane - Michael Ray Cotner]

Top version for me too...

[storyweaver]

Thanks everyone!
I have combined suggestions and revised.

I really liked Lynn's suggestions and used most of them but all were extremely helpful!

Thanks for the break suggestion Maggie!

What cha think now?
G.

[MichaelFirewalker]

came back to it today, and the top version hit me between the eyes with its hard-won wisdom regarding the painful kind of self-knowledge we gain only in retrospect...well done...

michael

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Great revision, super G.

[mfwilkie]

G,

Just read JL's version with the stanza's switched, and I think it works well.

[storyweaver]

Mags, my original version was switched the way JL posted.

[MichaelFirewalker]

hey G...ain't life a bitch sometimes?

mike

ps----I still laugh every time I see that title...wish I'd thought of it... it fits...

[storyweaver]

Yeah Mike, it can suck -- I like the title too, Cracks me up.

[johnnysaturn]

I like this a lot too. Would it be heresy to suggest that it would be even stronger and punchier by omitting the line "a translucent sunrise" which to my ear slows the pace of the piece and introduces an ornate touch into something spare and powerful? I suspect this will be a minority view.

[storyweaver]

I think your right Johnny, another revision is in the making. Thanks!

[mfwilkie]

G, I agree with johnny, on the 'translucent sunrise'.

I still like the 'didn't honor promises' line.

Mags