Untitled-revised

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

I feel like my muse has abandoned me, gang. Need your help, is this done?

revision

her sensuality graces the land
of bitter memories, harsh yesterdays

yet flows, ever flows
over this moment, over tomorrow
down a cascade of hope
through a river of unbroken promises


original

her sensuality graces the land
of bitter memories, harsh yesterdays
but flows, ever flows
over this moment, over tomorrow
in a cascade of hope
through a river of yet answered promises

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Do you mean yet-unanswered promises, jl?

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

No, I mean promises yet answered and maybe that is how I should say it

[MichaelFirewalker]

hey JL... I don't get it either...what does "yet answered promises" mean? ...is it "yet to be answered"?

michael

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JL!!!!!!

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

This has your graceful use of language wrapped in it. I needed a stronger pause after line two. First read through I missed that it was her sensuality that flows.
And that "yet" in the last line is tricky for me too. The feel of the piece. I may be missing the boat, but what about dropping "yet answered"? I think your muse is back, my friend. Give her a couple of tweaks and see if she sings. Ron

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hey birthday girl. Hope you had a great day.

I'm a dolt, but the yet-answered thing is something I can't get my head wrapped around. Do you mean still-unanswered with that? Ron may be on to something with his suggestion to drop it.

Honey, your muse is still around. Just rummage for a bit, and it'll bite you in the brain.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

I actually changed that in the revision but I still don't have the right words that I guess I'm trying to convey.

You know how you go through life and those around you make promises but they are never kept, and you wait for the day that they will be? I guess what I'm trying to convey are the those promises. Do you understand? Can you help me?

[David Nelson Bradsher]

How about still-unanswered promises?

promises unfulfilled, yet unanswered promises, oaths without fruition, fruitless promises, etc.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Thanks, D. My brain needs to find the right flow, it's in there somewhere.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hang in there, JL.

[MichaelFirewalker]

O I like that unbroken promises!!----it touches what could be pathos [the breaking], with wholeness instead [the unbreaking]----a perfect word-choice...

mike

[dcpottsmd]

Jo Lynn,
I love this poem. For me, it says she is relying on her greatest gift, the essence of who she is at her strongest (her sensuality) to flow past the pain and into a new hopeful existance.

Danny

[mfwilkie]

Hey, hey,

I'm having a bit of a nit with a cascade going through a river;
the image I get from that phrase is one of a waterfall.
'to a river' I think reads better, especially with the word
'down' in your revision.

What about sensibility/sensibilities for sensuality, and endure for graces?

That's the message I'm getting from the piece.

Sensuality seems wrong, JL.

I'd like land to be something close to 'reality', too. (I' don't want much.)

Yes, I'm having one of those synonym moments, dear friend.

And I was wondering if you couldn't loose the bitter memories and flesh out the harsh yesterdays.

This is a good draft.
And yes, this is a kick in your ass. ;D

Mags

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

I like the movement of the poem.....I can see the continuity of the whole thing........there is a freedom here than cannot be touched by anyone or anything. She is here to stay..

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Danny and Jon you understood exactly where I was when I was writing this, thank you for seeing that.

Maggie, can be nothing but her sensuality...my essence. It's the only word that works there and I will look at your other thoughts, maybe some punctuation so you can feel the through the river.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I really like this with the few minor edits you've made, JoLynn. It moves like a cascades now, for me at least. Ron

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Nice edits, JL.

[Tina (Firefly)]

Got to the race late, JL, but see that you are the winner! This waterfall of words is so lovely, but like most true beauty, it holds a thread of sorrow underneath. I think this is one of your recent best and I applaud the time and effort you put into it to bring it to this conclusion. Good work and thanks. Tina

[storyweaver]

This works very well with the edits. I think it flows nicely! I like unbroken promises--definitely the right word choice there. It just needed to rattle around in your head for a while. The muse is back! ;D
G.

[mfwilkie]

I think it needs the punc., JL.

The way I read it, her faith in him, her gift of sensuality, comes from his unbroken promises.
It's brought her to the point of having hope for their future.

Cascade and through just aren't working for me.

Maybe an m-dash after tomorrow

and something like:

a ribbon of hope
from unbroken promises

Could be just me, too.

Maggie

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Wow, Maggie, where are you finding anything to do with a he in this? I find that quite interesting. Her gift of sensuality comes from much deeper than any he could ever gift. It is who she is as it is in most of us. This poem has nothing to do with any one he or any one person other than the writer. Still pondering the punctuation though.

[mfwilkie]

The unbroken promises led me there, JL. Coupled with your note back about using sensuality.

I'm off to read it again.

Have you found a place yet?

Maggie

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Yep I did, moving on March 15 so starting to pack already because that will be here before I know it oh and down 27 1/2 pounds.

[mfwilkie]

That's fantastic! How's the neck?

Glad you found a place.

Donna's here; she says, Hey!